I don't remember reading about this while i was pregnant.......

One thing i've learned about being a parent is that, no matter how much you read; whether it's books or magazines, you are bound to come across problems you have no idea about. Problems that no one writes about. Problems that have no real answer and no amount of knowledge can help you answer.
          The other day, Bitty said to her daddy "i'm gonna be a big sister!" With wide eyes he turned to me and i quickly shattered her notion. This isn't something new for her either. She often talks about being a sister, and i can see why she would. The shows she watches on t.v., the characters have siblings. Her cousins that she always plays with are brothers and sisters. I was pretty certain this was a concept she didn't understand, atleast until last night i thought that. She wanted to visit her Pap and his girlfriend, so we did. I was telling her "grandma tracy" about the incident that happened early this week, and ofcourse she got a kick out of it too. Except she decided to ask a question of Bitty, do you WANT to be a big sister? To which she happily replied "yes!" So grandma T asked yet another question, "would you like a baby brother or sister?" Bitty didn't even have to think about it, she swiftly answered, "a baby sister." *sigh*
As parents, we hope that we can give our children more than what we had, and i always swore that i felt as though i had and still am, missing out on something by not having any siblings and that my child wouldn't have to feel that. THAT was the one thing i wanted to give my child that i didn't have growing up. Being married to someone that has siblings deffinately reinforced that idealogy. Flash forward to almost 4 years ago when Bitty came into this world 11 weeks premature. Suddenly, i know longer wanted to do that again. And it's not that i don't want to have another baby, because i do, i just don't want to be pregnant again. That thought baffles Husband. It's amazing how we instinctively know what we can or cannot handle, and i know without a shadow of doubt that i cannot go through that again, in my heart i know the circumstances would be the same but the outcome would be different. But then again, i didn't think the biggest pressure to have another baby, would come from daughter.

Happy Mother's Day.....

it's not the presence of a child that makes a woman a mother, it's the love she has in her heart for them.

Justice?

I'm pretty much just as glad as everyone else the Osama is dead, but what i don't understand is the people claiming that now the victims of the 9/11 attacks now have justice. More innocent lives have been lost overseas durring this "war on terrorism" than were lost on the attacks of 9/11. Where's the justice for those family's? The justice for the hundreds of thousands of innocent lives lost in Iraq and Afganistan? The lives of all the American soldiers that have died? Granted, soldiers know what they're signing up for, the know they have a good chance of not comming home when they're sent off to war. But still. Do the families of the innocent overseas get to seak justice for the death of their loved ones? And if so, who do they go after, George W. Bush? After all, he declared this "war on terrorism". He sent thousands of American troops over there. Should we be consider terrorists for going over there with intent of finding ONE man, and yet killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people? And how hard were we really looking for him, when it took 10 years to find him?

WTF.....

I was at Walmart today getting stuff for Bailey's Easter basket, after getting the usual candy, chocolate and small toys, i thought i'd pick her out some new nail polish. While perusing the many nail polishes they have, i noticed something quite......disturbing. And no, it wasn't the price of OPI. Although, $7.00 for a little bottle of nail polish is beyond absurd. I looked down to see a cheaper nail polish, $2.00, but the "WOOHOO" moment didn't last long. Now, as parents we're all aware of how young girls are dressing, well, for a lack of better words, slutty, at younger and younger ages. And, as the parent of a girl, i try to be very aware of what i wear on my daughter. Shoot, she's been asking for make up for a couple months now and well, she ain't gettin' none for, well, for as long as i can get away with not getting her any. No 3 year old needs to know what eye shadow, mascara, or blush is. Atleast, not in my opinion. Anyway, back to the nail polish. It was very pretty nail polish, especially for two dollar nail polish. But i just couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. Not with names like, "naughty girl". And that was one of the less trashy names. I mean really, what has the world come to when it's ecceptable for products aimed at young girls, to be called by such whorey sounding names?!?! I know it's just nail polish, but come on! So, i payed the absurd price for OPI and didn't feel bad about it. Atleast i know my daughter won't be wearing nail polished called "naughty girl".

War, what is it good for.........

I'm always touched by video tributes to fallen soldiers. But, at the same time, it only strengthens my belief that you can't gain peace from war. I find it odd that, living in a country that gained it's freedom hundreds of years ago, that we insist on claiming that every war we step in to is to fight for something we essentially already have. Mean while, letting our own country crumble while leaving us sesptable to our own self destruction. My views on war are generally something i keep to myself, as most of the men and some of the women in my family have either fought in a war, or were inlisted in some branch of the Armed Forces. And while i'm proud to say that my grandfather fought in WW2 and that many of the men in my family proudly served this country in some form or another, I myself, feel differantly about war than they do. In my experiance, many people believe that if you don't support a war, then you obviously don't support the people who are out there risking their lives. That idealogy is completely wrong. Many people who believe as i do, support the PEOPLE out there fighting, but not what they're fighting for. Because face it, we aren't fighting to gain freedom for the U.S., we fighting just to fight.

Defeated

The March for Babies is a meer 46 days away and i have yet to get anyone to donate online. Why is it so hard for people now a days to reach in their pockets and donate to a good cause? I've always been that person that other people  come to when their kids are selling something for school, or taking donations for a charity, because i never say no. Why is it so hard for others to just say "okay, i'll donate $1". Nothing makes you feel more defeated than not even being able to get someone to donate a dollar. Ofcourse, i'm not surprised. The same thing happened last year. Only one person donated online, and it was a family member. Yet, though i'm not surprised, i'm still greatly disapointed. Disapointed in myself for thinking this year could be different, disapointed in others for their lack of willingness. People seem to be so quick to want to donate to a charity that's for cancer, or natural disaster relief. But ask them to donate to a charity that doesn't spend thousands of dollars running ads on t.v., or in newspapers. A charity that many people aren't very familiar with, even though you've gone above and beyond explaining to people who they are and what they do, and they're just not willing to even give a whopping dollar. You surely will not miss that dollar, trust me.

You simply cannot win an argument with yourself........

My husband and i go back and forth about the idea of having another baby. Then again, name another married couple with one child who doesn't toss the idea around occasionally. I'm lucky that my husband understands where i'm comming from and never pushes me to think or feel anything different. If only dealing with my inner thoughts were that easy. I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to talk some sort of reason into, what most people would call, irrational thoughts. But to me, not only are they perfectly rational, they're logical too. For instance, i developed getational diabetes while pregnant with Bitty, so chances are i'll develop it again. Bitty was 11 weeks premature, having a premature baby increases your risk of having another premature baby by 50%. Everytime i have a dream that involves having another baby, the baby always dies. I guess i should state that LONG before i got pregnant with Bitty, every dream i had involving a child, that child was always a girl, while pregnant with Bitty, i felt that she was a girl(no one believed me since my husbands family is known for only having boys). And then there's my gut feeling. The feeling they tell you to always listen to, because more often than not, your gut instinct is right. And mine tells me not to. However, i can't help but feel as though i'm robbing not only Bitty of a sibling, but i feel as though i robbing my husband of the chance at having a little boy. Sure, there's always adoption, and maybe we'll look into that one day. But, it's just not the same. Being an only child myself, i've always felt i missed out on something great growing up and swore that when i had children, it would be just that, CHILDREN. Not a child. I don't want Bitty to grow up feeling that empty feeling i had and still do. Sure, she may not, she may be ever so grateful to grow up an only child. Or, she could resent me for making the choice to MAKE her an only child. And then there's husband. I can start to see it in him that he really does wish to have another child and i am holding him back, and the last thing i want is him to hold resentment against me for not being able to give in and have another child. I can't seem to ever talk sense into myself when i'm arguing in my head. I can't even manage to talk myself into having another baby.