Plead the 5th.....

I can't not write through tears because, the reality is, 3 years later i still blame myself for Bittys early entrance. We went back to the eye doctor today for a recheck and to order her full strength lenses. Turns out, we're also going to have to start patching her left eye so that her right eye will begin to strengthen. Yeah, i know, not that big of a deal. Explain that to a 3 year old and an already self blaming mommy. I call it self blaming since no one, well almost no one, has ever told me her early arrival was my fault. Who knows, maybe it was that doctor who delivered her stating that my smoking was probably what did it, even though my placenta look like a non-smokers, maybe it was in that moment i decided it was my fault. Maybe. Probably not though. All i ever wanted was for her to never have any signs or symptoms of prematurity, and i thought she wasn't gonna. Well, atleast up until last July i thought that. I wish there was some magic potion or words that could finally make me just let go. I'm the type of person who needs answers to every question i may have and if no one can give me one, well i blame it on myself. It's just the way i am. I wish i could just go back 3 years and squeeze my knees together and keep her in there. Don't get me wrong, i count my blessings everyday. I know whole heartedly that it could be worse. But after you've gotten through the "she could die" stuff and you think that nothing else will go wrong, it kinda hits you blind sightedly when or if something does go wrong that's all. I'd compare it to cancer patients being in remorse except they know there's always that chance it could return. Preemie parents, well we're basically taught that if your baby makes it through the first 12-18 months without incidence, that they will be fine. We're taught not to expect something to just "pop up" or return two and a half years later. While she will always be a preemie, i guess i just figured she grew out of it and all that comes with it.