January 27th

January 27th is merely a little over a week away. It's a Thursday. It's the day after my BIL birthday. It's the same day as some of my friends. It's also the day i should be celebrating Bitty's 3rd birthday. January 27th always seems to put things in perspective for me. I know my daughter was 11 weeks early, i'm not retarded. But to think that we celebrated her birthday on November 11th, THAT makes me realize exactly how long 11 weeks is. It always seems to make me a little sad too.

My ode to snow.....

Oh snow, how i love thee, let me count the ways. I love your pretty sparkle when the light shines on you at night. I love peaceful quiet you bring to a bustling world. I love the way you cling on the trees, almost as if you don't ever want to leave. I love the soft crunch you make under my shoes and the way you seem to chase away my winter blues. I love to take pictures of you and watch as the wind makes you move. I love the way you taste and how you lay with such grace. The size of your flakes, the smell in the air, i even love what you do to my hair.

I'm NOT a quitter!

I'm not a quitter. I'm just down right not the person who just quits something. Even if i hate it, i stick with it. I also HATE losing, but that's a whole nother story. LOL In my previous post, i talked about how New Years resolutions are basically lame and all you end up doing is failing yourself, or not following through with what ever it was you resolved. Every year, I vow to quit smoking. <------dead give away that i surely can't follow through with a resolution. However, this is one instance where i soooooo long to be a quitter. So far, i'm doing pretty good at still smoking. The only differance between this year and the years before, i'm actually keeping track of how much i smoke and making sure to cut that number back every day. And let me tell you, doing it that way versus the good ole "cold turkey" method, is gonna save alot of lives. I'm hoping to be done with cigarettes by no later than the end of the month. Ofcourse, i may weigh 50lbs more, but who cares, atleast i'll be smoke free. LOL I shouldn't lie, i haven't been eating that much, but Fruit Rollups seem to keep the urges at bay sometimes. LOL I hope i can do this, i really, REALLY do. This year's gonna be different, this year, i WILL become a quitter.

Who really watches it anyways......

Today has been filled with "happy new years", and "this year i'm gonna_______". Pffftttt...... Who cares. Really. Who cares? We all make resolutions, we all fail at them. We all claim this will be the year we stick to said resolution, we all lie. But yet, we feel the need to make it public and known to everyone. I resolve to quit smoking. Will i succeed? Probably not. Every year i make that one, the fact that i make it every year proves the failed logic behind new years resolutions. Somehow we, and i do mean all of us, think that just because a new year is starting, that we automatically get a new start, a clean slate. Nope. You will wake up tomorrow, the exact same as you did when went to sleep. Everything that happened 365 days ago, does not magically go away. It's still there. If you over drew your bank account, it won't some how be at 0.00 tomorrow, and making a resolution to be more money conscience isn't going to change the fact that your bank is now gonna charge your negative $30 bank account another $30.

Not today, dear......

A couple years ago, i was diognosed with having endometriosis. It's a very, VERY painful condition where the inside of a womans uterus, for some reason or another, decides to grow on places outside of the uterus. It makes having a period extreamly painful, i like refer to it as going through labor every month with out having a child in the end to make the pain worth it. It also makes getting pregnant very hard or impossible for some women due to the scar tissue it creates. There are was to control it and even "dry it up", one way is being pregnant, this helped me for about a year. Being on birthcontrol helps some women too, but it never did help me. The past couple months have been hell for me though, i think it's coming back 10 fold, making up for lost time when i was pregnant. Which really stinks when you think you still want to have kids and know that you're running out of time, if you haven't run out already. I kinda feel, in the back of my mind, that i have already run out of time to have another baby. Yet, the thought of having a hystorectomy scares me because, what if i DO still have time left. Although, at this very moment, i don't care. I want my lady parts gone and i do not care. After all, it feels as though they're being twisted and riped out of me anyways. It makes me unbelievabley miserable. I don't even want to so much as get out of bed, other than maybe to sit on the toilet.
http://www.bing.com/health/article/mayo-125699/Endometriosis?q=endometriosis&qpvt=endometriosis

Leap of Faith

Today i took a leap of faith, thanks to some Facebook friends, and entered a photograph in a charity auction. And by leap of faith, i really mean litterally run and jump off a cliff leap of faith. You see, i am by nature, cripiley self-consious. I know that my photography is good, only because enough people have told me so. But good enough for someone to bid money on, just so THEY can have it, i doubt it. I can almost envision my entry being the only one to not get a single bid. Which got me thinkin'. If it wasn't for this........self-consuming, self destructing, lack of self confidance and self worth, could I, just maybe, make something of myself? Perhaps carve out a little nitche for myself? After all, it is behind the lense of a camera the I truely feel beautiful, that I feel most comfortable and it is behind that lense that, i feel, i can find the beauty in anything. But......there's a giant, brick wall that's always getting the way. It's not a very tall wall, only about 5 foot, but none the less, it's strong and stubborn. It's been standing there for 29 years, i highly doubt it's quite ready to fall yet. Lord knows i've tried to knock it down on occasion, but that usually ends in failure. However, could this be the crack that brings it down??? Sure, there's that chance that litterally NO ONE will bid on my photo. But, the greater chance is that someone will. Even if it goes for less than what it cost me to enter it, it still means someone wanted a peice of something i envisioned. Maybe.....the crack it puts in the wall, will help me to finally knock it down. Even if it's just temporary, atleast i'll have done it.  After all, the only things that truely stands in the way of us and the dreams we have invisioned for ourselve's, is the walls that we chose to put up. After all, no one fears success. What we fear is falure. And the only way we can truely fail, is to just not try. I'm not gonna lie, if my peice doesn't get a single bid, or goes for so little, it will devistate me. Perhaps even make me believe what i've been telling myself all along, that i'm not the photographer people seem to think i am. But, atleast i can walk away knowing that i didn't fail, since failing would've been backing out and not entering the photo. I simply opened a door, and some doors are meant to close.

Shoulda been a Keebler Elf.......

I love Christmas time. Mainly because it's the only time of the year that gives me an excuse to make cookies until i have cookies stacked everywhere. I could do it year round, but really, who wants cookies in July? Husband says it really puts me in the Christmas spirit. I say, Christmas puts me in the cookie spirit. I've always enjoyed baking, it's almost as soothing as photography for me. But i really seem to go cookie crazy this time of year. The baking genes run deep in me though, i have a great Aunt who, in her prime, was an AMAZING baker, i grew up in a house where cookies were abundant at Christmas time, and everyone was homemade with love. I remember, growning up, always being excited for this time of year, not because of Christmas, but because i got to HELP, help make cookies. And so i continue that tradition. Bitty, thankfully, loves helping, so far. But really, what 3 year old doesn't like playing in flour and making a mess? And i love it! I always had this vision of my child sitting on a kitchen counter, helping me make cookies of all kinds. However, unlike me, Bitty inherited her daddy's love of eating cookies. I'd sooner make them versus eat them. Although, for as long as i've been making yummy cookies and what knots, i mostly stuck to the recipe at hand, sometimes meshing two seperate recipes together, but not very often. This year's been different. This year i've sorta been making the recipes i already have, my own. Adding stuff, changing quantities, taking things away. You get the idea. I must say, i shoulda done it sooner. This year's been more of an experiment, perhaps that's why there are so many boxes of cookies stacked everywhere.  I've also been trying new recipes. Which is oddly exciting for me. After years of making the same tried and true recipes, i've grow tired of tasting the same things. Granted, my perfected molasses cookie recipe has earned the right to stay the same. As has my snickerdoodle recipe. My family's chocolate chip cookie recipe got a makeover to resemble one of the softest sugar cookie/Lepp cookie i've ever really tasted.  Although, as much as i love my molasses cookies, i swear if i open my over door again, and get wafted in the face with the smell of molasses, ginger and cloves, i may just throwup a little.