November is......

 Fall has to be, undoubtedly, my favorite time of year. The crisp, sweetness in the air, the sound of the wind rattling through leaves that have started to change. The small town fairs, getting ready for holloween. If it happens in the fall, i love it. It also happens to be my favorite time to take pictures. With all that i love about this time of year, i can't help but to feel a storm lingering off in the distance. I know it will come, it comes every year. I've learned to try to prepare myself for it, but i know there's no way to mentally do it. Yet, i still try. Hoping that this year will be different. I know that in a few, short weeks, i will be pleagued by an indiscribible depression. One that, even though i am still in love with fall, i hate it. One that, even though i want to take pictures, i can't. One that, with all the love a mother can have for their child, it's hard to look at mine with out wanting to cry. In a few, very short weeks, my mind will relive each and every heartbreaking feeling i felt. I don't know why. I can only imagine and maybe hope alittle, that each of us preemie moms goes through something similar. Every year, in the begining of fall, i suck in all the wonderful smells, take in all the beautiful sights and sounds. I hold on to these, hoping that somehow, beyond of reasoning, that they will chase away the storm. So far, it's never seemed to work. This year will be no different i'm affraid. I feel it. Comming, slowly. So, i'll wait patiently as it rolls in, knowing that storms always pass through as quickly as they come. And it is in that moment, sometime after January, that i feel at peice with everything. I know i'll be alright and that she will be too. We survived it, once again, and i can go about being oblivious to it once more, until next year.
I wrote this a little while ago on Facebook, thought i should add it here too. It pretty much sums up how i feel this time of year due to the events that unfolded on November 10th to the 11th, the day Bitty came into the world. Man, how those two days were a whirlwind. I'm honestly surprised i remember any of it. Look back, even though it took two days, it really feels like it all happened in a matter of moments. I go into the hospital one night, thinking i'm just having cramping as usual. Completely un aware of the fact that 24 short hours later, my daughter would be rushed into this world. Surrounded by a rush of nurses and unfamiliar faces, reality was about to smack in the face. As a nurse strateled my belly, trying oh so hard to find Bitty's heartbeat, tears rolling down my face, i was rushed down a long hallway into a icey cold operating room. Surrounded by people, i had never felt so alone.