Tomorrow.......

November 11th. It's a Thursday. It's Veterans day. But most important, it's Bitty's birthday and i can't believe she'll be three. It seems like it was only yesterday that we were bringing her home. The thing with preemies is they seem to be stuck at infancy for so long, that it really does take you by surprise when, suddenly, they're not. I read once, that having a premature baby is like having a short pregnancy followed by a long infancy, and you best believe every word of that is true. But, they don't mention that once that infancy stage passes, they'll be a toddler in the blink of an eye. I guess the same could be said for a term baby. But when you have to fight so hard to get your child to simply hold their head up, you swear that they're never gonna grow up. That they'll never be able to do those things that "normal" babies do. And 5 years from now, you're still gonna have a baby. I've heard it said, not to wish away your baby's childhood, but as the parent of a preemie, well, sometimes it's just part of the game. While you wish they would just catch up, part of you wants to keep them little. You wish they would just "get it". Just do it, like a "normal" baby. Ask me now, and i'll tell you, my baby's the furthest thing from "normal", but instead of wishing that away, I adjusted my "normal" and embrace every moment. I like this new normal. Perhaps, being the parent of a preemie, has taught me more than what i have taught my daughter. Hell, i know it did. Granted, with the help of E.I., which for any newby preemie parent, get your baby enrolled ASAP, we had our daughter deemed "caught up" before she was one year old. It was work, HARD work. On all our parts. But as she was learning to hold her head up, so was I. As she was learning to sit up, i was learning to stop seeing her as the preemie that she was and the "normal for me" baby she was becomming. She may not have hit her milestones when she "should've", but who are we to say when that should happen anyway. After all, we all learn differently and at different pase's. She took her first steps shortly before her first birthday and hasn't looked back since. But, with those first steps brought a whole new sense of, "where did all that time go?!" I swear, i was just helping you learn to hold your head up. I didn't realise it at the time, but she was teaching me to hold my head up too.

Oh, Bitty, tomorrow you'll be three. Honestly, i can't say that i miss those baby days. I miss aspects of them, but as a whole, i'm glad to have them behind us. While toddlers bring a whole new set of worries, i'm glad my days and nights aren't spent worrying about whether or not she was gonna stop breathing. I'm thorowly happy to be done with breast pumping. I am over joyed to be done with bottles and the struggle of trying to get her to swollow solid food. If there was one thing that lingered from her preemiehood, one thing that followed us everywhere, one thing that people frowned upon, was the fact that even at age two, she was still on a bottle. It seemed to take forever for her to be able to swollow solid food. It seems that with all the knowledge we know have about preemies and premature birth, some people are still clueless. Perhaps, that's why so many of us preemie moms blame ourselves. I'll never forget the first time i took Bitty to her, now, doctor. When she was discharged from the hospital, she had to go to a pediatrition who participated in the R.S.V. program and the doctors i had originally planned on taking her to didn't. Well, when she was finished getting her shots from hell, i switched her to the doctors office she is currently at. We were patiently waiting when one of the receptionist, who was also a friend from school, had made a comment about her size and i replied that she was born 11 weeks early, the look on her face changed. Almost as if to say, "what did you do". SO many times durring Bitty's long infancy i just wanted to scream at people. "I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF HAVE A PREEMIE"  when the reality was, i blamed myself just as much as other's looks did.

As she was growing, so was I. As i spent my days helping her to catch up, she was teaching more about life than i ever would've thought having a baby could. From the time she was born, she had a fire about her. I remember her head nurse looking into my tear stained face telling me, "she's gonna make it. This one, is a fighter." And so, she became my "littlest big girl". She would set out to push every boundry and shatter every notion as to what a preemie should be. You learn what life is truely about when you're forced to watch your flesh and blood, fight for their life everyday. You suddenly, just don't seem to bitch as much. LOL

I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she realise what she's had to do, to be where she is right now. I wonder if when she's fighting me because she doesn't want to get dressed, if she knows how hard she had to fight to breath. I wonder if she knows that in her three little years, she done more than most people EVER do. Most of all, i wonder if she knows that she's more than just my daughter, that she's more than just your average three year old. That she encompasses everything that i have grown to, not just love, but to admire. That she is my hero.