Breathe..........

When you lay your faults out for the world to see, when you not only come clean to yourself but to those who you care about, it's a good, warm fuzzy feeling. Yeah, that'd be a lie. It's terrifying. Not so much walking out of the dark, but owning up to and facing the reprocutions of whatever it was your actions were. Knowing there's no one to pass the blame to, you did it. Whatever it was, whatever lasting effects it may have caused, you did it. You did it to yourself. And having to explain what "it" was to people who you don't know, who don't know you, don't know your struggles, your strengths, it's next to shameful. Especially to someone who's never been down that road. Someone who doesn't know what it takes to climb out of hell. I know i am most certainly not looking forward to trying to explain to the lady who will be doing my lung function test, why they suspect perminate damage or underlying inflamtion in my lungs. After all, how does one explain chemically burning their lungs, by accident? How do you explain that a few hours after using bug spray, you cleaned with bleach, then later that night, after smoking a cigerette, your mouth welted up, and your snot, saliva, and if your eyes coulda made tears, burned. How, both your snot and spit tasted like a bad chemical reaction. How your lungs didn't want to work. And how you can't remember if that's even what caused it. Or if it was an allergic reaction to medication you shoulda never been given, but can't remember if you took. How you can't truely remember or be certain what happened in the days leading up to it, the day itself, and the days following because frankly, those days are missing from your memory. They simply don't exsist. I know they happened, i seen pictures Husband took of Bitty and what not, but to me, i've gone round and round and driven myself insane trying to remember those days, so that i have answers, and can accurately tell someone what happened, but they're just not there. And when your the girl with the kickass memory, the girl who can close her eyes and tell you in detail something that happened 12 years ago, who can be in that moment and smell the smells, see the colors, hear the voices....... my brain doesn't loose days, it just doesn't. And now, there aren't just days missing, there are weeks. And everyday that passes, everyday my mind tries to cling to, makes me become more forgetful. I'd mention that to the doctor, but i don't wanna know what my brain looks like.