The mind of an addict........

If you've never been an addict, never known the mind of one, you're lucky. It's a horribly scarey place. For days on end, there's no sleep, there's only one thought; get drugs and get high. If you've never stood proudly by one, held their hand, you have zero room to judge. To be an addict, to admit it outloud, to not only hold yourself accountable, but give others the chance to do the same, is a terrifying moment. It's the moment you not only find out who you are and what you're made of, but of the people around you- you learn the ones who love you. The mind of addict wants what it cannot have, the body of an addict fights itself with muscles spasms, cold sweats, an inability to just sit and be, stomach cramps, diahrea. It's a horrible thing really. It hurts. It sucks. When the mind of an addict slowly, and i do mean SLOWLY turns the corner, the body begins going through a completely different set of pains. The organs of an addict don't know how to function anymore, the gut hurts as it passes food through it, the lungs suffer, the heart suffers, the brain falls short. Couple that with the body of an anorexic and you have what i call complete hell. You eat, your body says sleep because it doesn't want to burn the calories. You have zero energy, ZERO. Your body can't regulate it's own temperture, so you cold most of the time, but lord help ya if you get hot, you get hot it's miserable. Your stomach isn't used to having anything in it, so even the smallest amount of food, hurts. Your bowels are used to having to work, so you know exactly when they are, and they ain't happy about it. Go long enough without eating, and after your body burns through it's fat and muscle, it begins to burn...wait for it.........YOUR BRAIN. So, take a brain partially used to nourish a body lacking food, coupled with the brain of an addict, and well, it's not a fun place to be. No fun at all. I've been driving myself up a wall trying to recollect the past few weeks of my life and there are litterally days missing. Days i cannot account for, to me they simply didn't exsist. Frusterating? Not even close. Think drugs are fun? Haha. Well, maybe in the moment. But nobody remains an addict forever. We either die from it, or the part of us that was an addict dies. Everything is temporary. The pain. The addiction. But the pride that comes from being able to not just admit who you were, but stay clean, to loose the addict, THAT is permanant. The brain function i know i'm missing, well it's most likely permanant as well. But, i'll take that. Because i'm still here. And that's what matters. I was given a chance few addicts are, a chance to start over. Some addicts o.d. and go on to eventually die from one. Some of us o.d. AND have a nervous breakdown, to come out of it. Because sometimes, that's what needs to happen. Some of us are hard learners. There's a plan for each and everyone of us, whether we see it or not, it's there. My plan was NOT to be an addict, but a quitter. What's yours?