Out of darkness.....

No matter how much your husband says he loves you, don't let him buy you a cheap coffee pot once you're used to having a Bunn.
Ever since i was in my teens, i always thought i'd make a good philosopher, my husband now says i'd make a good motivational speaker. LOLWhen your mind works different than most, when it's constant, never ending thoughts. When it makes you irritated at a young age that you have to blink, it's only natural that you will end up self medicating yourself somehow. At 16, doctors, counslors and phycologists tried many an antidepressent on me to no avail. And still to this day, my body does not, cannot and will not process them the way yours most likely would or even does. Apparently, it also doesn't process illegal substances or narcotics the way it should either. LOL Anyway.... It's a terrifying thought that you will have to live your life alone with your thoughts. To never have a quiet mind, a mind at peace. Honestly, the thought that there is nothing any doctor, be it MD or phycologist, can do to help, at times makes me want to just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Not that i EVER would. The love i have for Bitty and Husband keeps that aspect of it in check. But still. Music used to be my outlet, and recently it has become an outlet again, however it's doesn't work like it once did. It's also a very,very terrifying thought i permanately fried some wires in my brain, either from years of drug use, severe allergic reaction to an antianxiety med i NEVER should have been prescribed, or the most terrifying thought of all, the thought that i could have possibly had a small stroke or two. One, over our fourth of july vacation where Husband actually seriously believed me to be having one after taking said anxiety med with the nerve meds i take for my back, and one in the car the night before i landed in the E.R. I can't remember what i took that night, if i had taken both together again, frankly i can't remember much from that night or the weeks leading up to it. I'm still having issues with my memory, which to me is just not acceptable. I'm the girl that remembers, in detail, damn near everything, not the girl who doesn't know where she put her purse, though it's right in front of her. But, i'm alive. And most importantly, clean. I haven't been able to say those words in years. I've always been able to see beauty through a camera lense, but now i can truely see it with my own eyes. For the first time in my life, i look in the mirror and i see the girl that others have seen many years ago, the one who is pretty. Dispite looking like hell. Dispite my weight only creeping up to 103 as of yesterday. Despite being more than likely pretty damn aniemic at this point. I look at myself, and for the first time, i'm proud of who i am. I AM a damn strong woman. We all have it in us. Everyone. Maybe your issues aren't as life threatening, maybe they don't seem that bad to others. But they're yours, and they're scarey. But everything is possible. I quit a laundry list of drugs, cold turkey. I may be exhausted, i may be quick to snap at Bitty and whoever else might irritate me in the moment. But it's temporary. I may not know what my body is doing at the moment, between bleeding heavily for a week with zero pain right after having a period, to wanting to sleep but can't. To the usual withdrawl feelings of chills and cold sweats. It's all temporary. The fact that my spelling is even more horrible, the fact that i cannot remember things; mainly numbers and days, the fact that at this very moment i am an untreated ADHD, anxiety ridden, anorexic, recovering addict, those things i hope with all the faith in the world are also, only temporary. Because while my mind and thoughts drive me insane, while i should have probably been commited to the physch wourd that day when i went to the hospital, I know that my mind and thoughts make me....well me. I know i'm not crazy, crazy people don't know they're crazy. LOL Hell, mybe there's a genious lying somewhere inside me, and Albert Einstein so to speak. Or maybe, i'm just that girl who can talk someone else off a cliff, after all no one knows better how NOT to fall, than someone who has fallen. I'm not gonna spell check this and if anyone reading it would be so kind as to maybe compare to an earlier post and just fill me in on any changes in the spelling department, that would be great. Maybe it's just me who thinks that has gotten worse. LOL