Merry Fuckin' Christmas......

my mom loses her health insurance at the end of this month. She's still is suppose receive chemo until January/Feb. Each round of chemo costs about $12,000. Her solution? Quit receiving chemo when Medical Assistance drops her. Husbands's work ...is raising their health insurance to about $140 a WEEK, durring the time of year when they're lucky if they work enough hours to cover the cost of their insurance. Coincidently, they're off on Monday and IF they work the rest of next week, it will most likely be the last "week" they work until after the new year. And believe me, i could keep going on but honestly i really don't care to. I don't do sad and miserable with anyone, i prefer to do it alone. I don't go seeking for a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to me. I don't reach out in hopes someone will hold my hand, I don't freely talk about what bothers me and rarely cry infront of anyone, including my husband. I deal with my shit on my own, it's my shit. And right now, i don't give a rats ass about anyone else's miserableness.

Shutter........

I'm not sure what it is that has me thinking so much lately about, well, pretty much everything. I don't know if it's the whole turning 30 thing, or the fact that it's winter, or that i just plain down feel stuck and unispired. And when i say i've been thinking about pretty much everything, i mean it. From wishing i could just get over everything and have another baby to my mom and her chemo. From figuring out whether i want another laptop or to get a desktop instead (i've settled on http://www.shopping.hp.com/webapp/shopping/load_configuration.do?destination=review&config_id=6872639&jumpid=in_r329_saveconfig, i'm just waiting to win the lottery) to how to keep my feet from getting so freakin' cold all the time. (it makes my back hurt that much more) I spent hours upon hours burning everyone, well nearly everyone, of my 13,000+ pictures onto disks, to only have it dawn on me that out of those 13,000, there are several thousand beautiful pictures. Pictures that will most likely sit on a disk, never to be seen again. My laptop is beyond shot, so i damn near refuse to load any pictures i take onto it, so there's more than a few just sitting on my memory card. I have photo after photo of Bitty, BEAUTIFUL photos of her, yet none on my walls. I started working on a project for some family members with the wedding pictures i took, but since my laptop is fuckin' retarded, it has difficulties wanting to let me back on the site to finish it. I'm still waiting to hear back from the copywrite office, hell for all i know they didn't get my e-mail with the picture attatched to it. I never got said picture turned in for the heART of Friendship art auction this year because, well, revert to previous sentence. I hate my camera and know it's only a matter of time before i need to replace it aswell, however the one my heart is set on costs more than the computer i want. Quite a bit more actually, http://shop.usa.canon.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10051_10051_201108_-1. But dispite my scattered constant thoughts and technilogical malfunctions, the ONLY thing i can seem to want to do, IS TAKE SOME MORE PICTURES. Even that ain't comming to me as easily as it usually does. I need to take pictures of something new, someone new. I need to take pictures like, well like i used to need to take drugs. Don't get me wrong, i took pictures, damn good ones, long before i quite using, but now photography is something entirely different to me. It means so much more to me now than ever before. When i hear that shutter go off, my mind goes quiet. There is peace and an unbelievable clarity. I stared at my camera for a very long time durring the days and weeks after i quit using. Worried that i lost something. Worried that i could no longer see things the way i used to through that view finder. Worried and scared. I still remeber the very first things i took pictures of the day i picked my camera back up. I took simple, poopy pictures of my MIL's little fish pond and the flowers she had planted around it. I took a few pictures of a pretty white moth that landed on the pretty little white flowers right infront of my camera. They were shitty pictures. But for the first time in a long time, my heart was light. I get crap all the time for never charging anyone when asked to take their pictures. And while i know that i'll never get that camera i want and i'll never be able to claim a professional photographer title until the day i get paid for doing photography, i really could care less. Nobody ever quite understands when i try to explain my reasons for doing it the way i do, i've pretty much just resorted to simply saying i don't think i'm all that good, which isn't a lie and is one of the reasons i won't charge anyone, but it's not the real reason. I just simply LOVE to take pictures, i don't care who they're for, and i believe everyone should have those pictures that instantly spark not only a memory but pure emotion. Real ones, not those posed, fake-a-smile ones. It's not something i do, it's who i am. Every picture i take, whether it's for me or someone else, is part of me. You can't see it, but it's there. Some people meditate, some people pray. Some people go for a run while others might take a hot bath to clear their mind, help them relax. Me, i take pictures. And right now, i needs to take me some freakin' pictures. Or at the least, do something with the pictures i already have. I swear i hear my poor camera yelling at me from within it's little bag. And somedays i swear, if it didn't piss me off so bad, i might take it out and just snap away at random crap. But at the rate my technilogical problems have been going, it's probably safer tucked away with my lenses. Lord knows if forced to chose between a new camera or a new computer, i'm going with the camera. And at this moment i don't have that kinda money, and i damn certain can't go without one, which would means if i break this one anytime soon, i'm gonna need to sell a kidney.....LOL

OMG, I'm 30............

Apparently, i didn't sleep through today. LOL Which means, today i turn 30. Which, by the way, is not why i dislike my birthday. I don't care that chronologicallly i'm 30, it is afterall, only a number. I still get carded for ANYTHING you need to be over 18 to buy. I still wear the same size clothes i did when i was 16, probably not a good thing, but whatever. People still try to give me candy when i take Bitty trick or treating. Half the time, i still feel like i should be in high school, though i can honestly say, i'm glad i'm not. Not that i wouldn't do certain things differently now, like actually pay attention, not be so oblivious to certain things or about certain people. But there's no do over's, so oh well. I find it slightly amusing how so many people say age is only a number, yet their lives are almost dictated by that number. Some hide it, not wanting to admit they're of a certain age. Some, feel that they need to have certain things accomplished by a set age. Some believe there's a magic number in which you automatically become old. Which, i've felt old since i turned about 21, so that should make me elderly by now. Life has this way of trying to steal from us, what naturally makes us, well, us. It says, after high school you either need to go to college or get a job. It says that by the time you're my age, you should damn certain have your life figured out and grow the hell up. It makes you feel like, if you have children you must drive the minivan or some other equivelant, you need to have the good job, or be the poster spouse for the 1950's. Considering i still don't know what i wanna be when i grow up, i'd say i'm failing miserably. But sometimes, failing at something, is simply refusing to give in or give up. I WILL be that purple haired lady in the nursing home, racing her wheelchair soley for bragging rights. And you can bet your ass i'll have on some funky beanie and pair of Chucks. Life and growing up can only take away what you let it, and growing up doesn't go hand in hand with growing old. We've all been growing older since the moment we were born, but go ahead and tell a 4 year old to grow up, for that matter, go ahead and try to tell a 4 year old to do anything. I have NO intention of growing up, matter of fact, i've always known i would die young, but hell i might be 80 by the time that happens. And i'm happy to say that, with the exception of one goal, i'm honestly happy with the things i've accomplished and if by some twist of fate i would pass away tomorrow, i'd be okay with that. I've done alot, been through entirely too much shit, and seen more than i'd admit in my meager 30 years. I've burned a few bridges, hurt way too many, i've screwed up more than my fair share, and felt pride so much i cried. I carry the weight of things that aren't my burden, and forgiven myself for things most people still haven't. I'm overly critical of the girl i see in the mirror, but wouldn't have her anyother way. I may not like the way she looks, but i can't deny what's on the inside. And if there's one thing i've learned through this whole growing older processes, it's to never, under any circumstance, ever let life take hold of what's on the inside. Not life, not growing older, not anything. After all, you are you and there is no one more youer than you.

Just another day.......

Tomorrow's my birthday, yay. LOL I hate my birthday. I have for a very long time. Not sure exactly why, i'd just as soon it be anyother day. Friday i'll have 19 weeks clean. Lets skip tomorrow and go straight to friday. LOL Wow, 19 weeks. That's 133 days. That's somethin' to be proud of i suppose. Turning 30, not so much. So i think tomorrow will just have to be Friday and my birthday can just, well, be skipped this year.

4 Years ago.....

4 years ago today, at this very moment, i had been laying in a hospital bed for about 12hrs. 12hrs worth of labor, 12hrs worth of every drug there is to stop labor; which apparently i can't take any of them since they all make my heart want to explode. 12hrs worth of being poked, prodded and hooked up to all kinds of machines that beeped, buzzed, or made funny looking charts. 12hrs to come to terms with the fact that our daughter, this little life my husband and i created, was comming entirely too soon. 12hrs to think i had atleast another day or more. But, that little bitty life inside me had other plans. About 4hrs later, around 4 in the afternoon, my body had one last, hard contraction; and they lost Bitty's heartbeat. It only took a matter of seconds to realize everything that i thought i was prepard for, i wasn't. From that moment, everything became one big blur of blue scrubs filling my hospital room, doctors and nurses from every which direction talking to me, trying to prepare me for what was about to happen. In an instant i went from having a conversation with my nurse, to her sitting beside me as they rushed me to an O.R. diligently trying to find Bitty's heartbeat.
At 4:24pm on November 11, 2007, a little girl came into this world via emergency c-section weighing a whopping 2lbs 15oz and 16 1/4 inches long. She let out one loud cry, then she was whisked away. This wasn't what i signed on for when i got pregnant. We were suppose to have 11 more weeks. 11 more weeks to get things ready. 11 more weeks to decide what our daughter's name was gonna be. But here she was. This wonderfully perfect little person that we created, would now have to fight for her life; and all we could do was stand by and watch.
There is no worse feeling than being told that you cannot touch your baby, because simply put, your touch will hurt them. That their skin is so thin and fragile, even the lightest touch has the potential to cause them great pain. All you can do is sit there, watching their little chest cave in and out through an inclosed isolet.
I don't remember when exactly the first time i was able to see her was. Husband tells me it was after i was out of the recovery room, to me it feels like it was atleast a day later. I'm not sure if it's the incredible amount of blood i lost, the pain medication, or just the sheer shock of what happened that has caused me to not remember, but no matter how hard i try i just can't seem to grasp a time frame on the days that followed. Her lead nurse is an amazing woman, really they all are. When i couldn't bare to look at my daughter, the life i helped to create but that my body had let down, she looked at me and with all the confidence in the world, told me not to worry, my daughter was going to make it. She told me she had be a NICU nurse for many, many years and that my daughter was a fighter. And then she sent me back to my room. Don't get me wrong, all nurses are specially and don't get the credit they deserve, but NICU nurses, those are some of the most incredible people on this planet. If you never get the chance to personally know some or see them in action, i would be over joyed. But if you do, or you happen to run across one, thank them.

11 weeks doesn't exactly sound like a long time frame. To put it in perspective, Bitty's due date was January 27, 2008. I know it still to this day astounds me. But what astounds me more is, every obstacle we were told she would more than likely have, she didn't. The only problems she had were the ones every single preemie has, immature lungs and a heart mummur. We were told that virtually no preemie passes their eye exam on the first test, it's not what you think of when you hear those words; what they check is to make sure their eyes are developing correctly. But she did. Preemies have to go a full 7 days without any alarms in order to be discharged, we were told very few do this the first week they're able. But she did. We were told that preemies born at her gestation rarely come home before their technical due date, she came home December 28, 2007. She weighed a little over 4lbs. Less than a bag of sugar. We were told that most preemies catch up by around 18 months old. She was walking by her first birthday. This little bitty life, this force to be reconded with, came out in a hurry and never once slowed down. She's a spitting image of me and while i don't always know if that's a good thing, her start in life makes me glad she inhareted my stubborness.

8 Weeks...........

Today marks 8 weeks clean for me. And if you woulda asked me 8 weeks ago if i would be sitting here writing about it, well i woulda said yes, but i know I woulda thought it'd feel like 8 years instead of eight weeks. And while in some ways, these last 8 weeks have seemed like it should be more like 8 months, in so many other ways, i can't believe they went by that fast. LOL I'd be lying if i were to say that they have been an easy 8 weeks. There have been numorous times where i thought to myself, "i quit using drugs, for this?!?!" I'd say until just recently, the negative have out weighed the positive, i suppose in someways they still do but it's getting easier to deal with it. Learning new ways to deal with the problems in your life has to be about one of the hardest things  about getting through it. I must say though, if i were a more patient person, it'd probably be alot easier. LOL

Fall........

I love this time of year, it has to easily be my favorite season. The crisp air matched with the warmth of the sun. The smell of leaves as they begin to fall to the ground. All the warm colors that seem to go with fall,  oranges, greens, browns, reds. The sunsets are positively beautiful. The smell of people starting up their woodstoves. Sitting around a fire wrapped up in someone elses old hoody. Something about fall makes me feel like such a kid. I still get the urge to jump in leaf piles and dress up for Halloween. I get giddy about carving pumpkins. The crisp air puts a slightly more frisky spring to my step. And then there's the fair. Which, i might add, brings back so many memories of people long since passed, cherished memories. Memories that only teenagers can make on chilly fall  evenings. If i could go back, there's few things i would change. The things i would change however, well that's for me to know.

Damn rainy day........

Did you ever miss someone, for no real reason other than you do. Not because you love them, but because they had become a constant in your day and made you laugh when all you wanted to do was cry. Because they had been your friend, long before you had to say good bye. And knowing that to even see them in passing, to smile or look in their direction, to even say hi, is completely out of the question, makes it that much worse.

I don't like you anymore.......

I don't like my brain off drugs. I don't like it one bit. It's constantly bored. Constantly wanting to do something fun. I don't think it likes being a mom half the time. Days like today make me just want to cry, or do drugs just to make it be quiet. It really sucks having a strong desire to do things, go places, see people, but not be able to do any of it. To want some excitement, something new. To be SO incredibly BORED with your life, that it makes you want to cry because just not that long ago, you were content.

Imitation......

We've all grown up hearing the saying "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery." Personally, i feel it to be the most sneaky form of jealousy. Why would you want to copy someone elses originality? Why would you NOT want to be, well, YOU. To stand in someone else's shadow would probably get cold. Always striving to be like someone else, has got to be hard work. More work than it's worth really. Atleast i would think. I've never been one to follow a trend, to wear what's in style, to buy what all the other "kids" are buying. I am simply me. I suck at times, i hate myself at times, i have next to no confidence in what i should. But, that's me. I may have went through a period in my life where i tried to drown out who i was, and it worked. For a little. Well, for years. LOL But, it's just a chapter in my story, not the whole thing. I'm more me than i ever was, i know what i want, i know what i need, i know what i'm good at and what i need to work on. Each of us are responsible for writing our own story, that's what life is, OUR story. Why on Earth would you want to only read someone elses, instead of making your own? Why would you want to be a "syndication" and not broadcast live?
For as long as i can remember, my dad has always said they eyes are the window to a persons soul. Which, may just be why i have a thing for eyes. LOL Never in my life have i felt that to be more true than now. Sober eyes will show more than you could ever imagine. Eyes that have seen hell, that have seen from an early age, what no eyes really should, can also see what some people hide behind their words. Behind their actions. Words spoken can often be fake but where words fail, eyes will shine. It's why we tend to look away from someone we're lying to. Why, without tears, some will show shear pain. Without a smile, some will show pure delight. Without a smirk, some can show pure desire. Without speaking a word, can show you someones true self. The one they try to cover up by standing in someone elses shadow. A persons eyes will almost always show their insecurities when what they say contradicts what they do.

Breathe..........

When you lay your faults out for the world to see, when you not only come clean to yourself but to those who you care about, it's a good, warm fuzzy feeling. Yeah, that'd be a lie. It's terrifying. Not so much walking out of the dark, but owning up to and facing the reprocutions of whatever it was your actions were. Knowing there's no one to pass the blame to, you did it. Whatever it was, whatever lasting effects it may have caused, you did it. You did it to yourself. And having to explain what "it" was to people who you don't know, who don't know you, don't know your struggles, your strengths, it's next to shameful. Especially to someone who's never been down that road. Someone who doesn't know what it takes to climb out of hell. I know i am most certainly not looking forward to trying to explain to the lady who will be doing my lung function test, why they suspect perminate damage or underlying inflamtion in my lungs. After all, how does one explain chemically burning their lungs, by accident? How do you explain that a few hours after using bug spray, you cleaned with bleach, then later that night, after smoking a cigerette, your mouth welted up, and your snot, saliva, and if your eyes coulda made tears, burned. How, both your snot and spit tasted like a bad chemical reaction. How your lungs didn't want to work. And how you can't remember if that's even what caused it. Or if it was an allergic reaction to medication you shoulda never been given, but can't remember if you took. How you can't truely remember or be certain what happened in the days leading up to it, the day itself, and the days following because frankly, those days are missing from your memory. They simply don't exsist. I know they happened, i seen pictures Husband took of Bitty and what not, but to me, i've gone round and round and driven myself insane trying to remember those days, so that i have answers, and can accurately tell someone what happened, but they're just not there. And when your the girl with the kickass memory, the girl who can close her eyes and tell you in detail something that happened 12 years ago, who can be in that moment and smell the smells, see the colors, hear the voices....... my brain doesn't loose days, it just doesn't. And now, there aren't just days missing, there are weeks. And everyday that passes, everyday my mind tries to cling to, makes me become more forgetful. I'd mention that to the doctor, but i don't wanna know what my brain looks like.

Fate......

Not a damn thing happens by chance, and if you believe different, you ain't paying enough attention. Take me for instance, i grew up with a an addict father, grew up with two boys that turned into addicts, had entirely too many addict friends in high school. Too many who died, not enough who lived to tell their story. Over exposure to drugs may have kept me clean 98% of my life, but it's also given me the tools needed, to overcome it. It also taught me what the hell to stay away from. Well, atleast for the most part. LOL Many, many years ago, my best friend and i got a drink at our local resturant, we were a penny short, got one hang of lecture but left off the hook. Years later, when i was working at a gas station, i got an informative little lesson from an old man about the importance of "saving your pennies". My mind smiled from the memory of an older lesson learned about comming up short of a penny. See, you may not know why something is happening in the moment, maybe years until it hits you, but if you're paying attention, you know it when it comes. Not everything bitch slaps you like drug addiction can.

Philosophise.......LOL

I don't remember what grade it was, but in high school i took a Philosophy class and we were asked by our teacher, over coffee i might add, if there is a God; is he all good? My answer, NO. From the time we're born, we're taught things that are considered good and things that are considered bad. Mainly, we figure out what is bad by doing the opposite of what we're taught is good. So, in order to know good, you also have to know what's bad. If God created all, then he too created bad. After all, good is an action and for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every good person out there, there is a seed in them that is bad. Part of them that has the potential be an evil mastermind. Shit, we all have that. People are neither all good, nor all bad. Some of us have a little more of one than the other, some of us hide our bad part real well. Others, well their good part runs and hides.

Come out swingin'.........

Pick a fight with a stranger, you might win. Pick a fight with your body, with your demons, you better have one hell of fighter in you. And you sure as hell better come out swinging. Pick a fight with a stranger, they may walk away. Pick a fight with your demons, it's a fight to the death. One of you ain't comming out alive. You just gotta know who the winner will be, have your mind set that there's only one option, one choice. To fight. To fight with your life, FOR YOUR LIFE. Otherwise, you WILL loose. I was born a fighter, always have been. I got it in me, i KNOW i do. I KNOW who the winner of this one will be, ME. Be prepared when starting a fight with your own demons, the hell inside yourself. They don't call them demons for nothing. You just gotta ask yourself, if the fire in YOUR belly burns brighter than theirs.

Fridays suck............

Why on earth are fridays so much hard than saturday through thursday?!?! My body and mind are tired. My hands are tired of hold themselves. This shit sucks. I know i got this, i know i do, but days like today are still just as hard as day one. And this is day 14. I want to just be and i cannot. Tomorrow, more than likely, but not today. Not today. Today, i'm a recovering addict, tomorrow i'll kick it's ass. Today, it's kickin' mine. So go ahead, kick my ass today addict brain and body, tomorrow i'll come out swinging again. Today, i'll let ya make me feel like shit, today you can have your increased heart rate, cold sweats, and exhaustion. Tomorrow, we'll meet again and i'll bring it just like i've been doin'. One bad day every six ain't too damn shabby. Next Friday, when i mark week three, well we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Get me a damn vacation!

If there's one thing the nervous break down taught me, NO ONE is gonna look out for you with out YOU first looking out for you. With that said, when you spread yourself too thin, when you become the go to person for everyone with a problem, you will loose sight of your own. Not that they go away, they just seem to compound. And here you thought you'd never need to know exponents and compounding after high school. If you're life is a downward spiral, but you put it on hold for everyone else's problems, one problem turns into 10 real quick like. When the idea of checking yourself into the looney bin looks more like a vacation, it's time for a break. LOL

The mind of an addict........

If you've never been an addict, never known the mind of one, you're lucky. It's a horribly scarey place. For days on end, there's no sleep, there's only one thought; get drugs and get high. If you've never stood proudly by one, held their hand, you have zero room to judge. To be an addict, to admit it outloud, to not only hold yourself accountable, but give others the chance to do the same, is a terrifying moment. It's the moment you not only find out who you are and what you're made of, but of the people around you- you learn the ones who love you. The mind of addict wants what it cannot have, the body of an addict fights itself with muscles spasms, cold sweats, an inability to just sit and be, stomach cramps, diahrea. It's a horrible thing really. It hurts. It sucks. When the mind of an addict slowly, and i do mean SLOWLY turns the corner, the body begins going through a completely different set of pains. The organs of an addict don't know how to function anymore, the gut hurts as it passes food through it, the lungs suffer, the heart suffers, the brain falls short. Couple that with the body of an anorexic and you have what i call complete hell. You eat, your body says sleep because it doesn't want to burn the calories. You have zero energy, ZERO. Your body can't regulate it's own temperture, so you cold most of the time, but lord help ya if you get hot, you get hot it's miserable. Your stomach isn't used to having anything in it, so even the smallest amount of food, hurts. Your bowels are used to having to work, so you know exactly when they are, and they ain't happy about it. Go long enough without eating, and after your body burns through it's fat and muscle, it begins to burn...wait for it.........YOUR BRAIN. So, take a brain partially used to nourish a body lacking food, coupled with the brain of an addict, and well, it's not a fun place to be. No fun at all. I've been driving myself up a wall trying to recollect the past few weeks of my life and there are litterally days missing. Days i cannot account for, to me they simply didn't exsist. Frusterating? Not even close. Think drugs are fun? Haha. Well, maybe in the moment. But nobody remains an addict forever. We either die from it, or the part of us that was an addict dies. Everything is temporary. The pain. The addiction. But the pride that comes from being able to not just admit who you were, but stay clean, to loose the addict, THAT is permanant. The brain function i know i'm missing, well it's most likely permanant as well. But, i'll take that. Because i'm still here. And that's what matters. I was given a chance few addicts are, a chance to start over. Some addicts o.d. and go on to eventually die from one. Some of us o.d. AND have a nervous breakdown, to come out of it. Because sometimes, that's what needs to happen. Some of us are hard learners. There's a plan for each and everyone of us, whether we see it or not, it's there. My plan was NOT to be an addict, but a quitter. What's yours?

Hold Your Hand........

There's many a thing people do not know about me. For instance, i've held the hand of heroin addict as they shot up. I take care of people, i'm a natural born nurturer, atleast when it comes drugs addicts. Well, i was for many years anyway, when that man overdosed, part of me went 6ft under with him. I am an only child, no real brothers or sisters, but from the time i was about 3 or 4, i grew up with two boys who will always be my brothers. One i just happened to have to burry. The other, well. That's for another time. There's a difference, i know now, between holding the hand of your brother while he faces the inevetable, and holding up your family because only one of you has had the strength to make this journey. The journey is proving to be long and hard. But i've been down it before. Husband keeps insisting i should leave him, he keeps wishing me away. He doesn't know that he has it in him too. But that's okay, i know. I showed him the obituary of the Jesse i burried, explaining that burring my brother is one thing, burring the man i love, ain't gonna happen. You see, the mind of addict, no matter the drug of choice, is the same. It wants the same, it's a one track thought process for the first good three days, and that track, is drugs. It took thinking my husband would be burrying me, to unearth the girl that was burried along time ago. That girl, ain't going away again. I forgot about her, i missed her. I may feel like an ahlztimers patient anymore, but the girl i WAS is staying. Husband just needs to come around, come hell or high water i WILL see to that.

Really?!

Ever just have one of those days where you just want to go, really?! Yeah, been having that kinda past 3 months. LOL Hopefully, things begin to right themselves, even if it takes longer, i just want my luck to turn around. I've always been and will always be a firm believer in karma, though most of the time my karma sucks even though i'm not a bad person, just made some bad choices. Suppose maybe that's what it is, payback, a reality check maybe? I got a spider bite in my ass crack the other day, who the freak has that happen?!?! I'll tell ya who, this girl. I get it karma, i do. I may have been a good person, but i had a drug problem, but fo real, i'm getting my shit together, give it rest. LOL I should however, be the poster child for drug addiction and why you SHOULDN'T do them. Christ, if my memory doesn't start improving, i'll be in a nursing home. LOL Well, not really, it's not that bad. But i did spend 10 minutes looking for my purse yesterday, when it was right by the front door, where i had just been standing. Suppose the most i can do is get a good laugh out of it for now. Unless, well it keeps getting worse. Then, i may need to have my head examined. Haha, should have that done anyway. LOL

Out of darkness.....

No matter how much your husband says he loves you, don't let him buy you a cheap coffee pot once you're used to having a Bunn.
Ever since i was in my teens, i always thought i'd make a good philosopher, my husband now says i'd make a good motivational speaker. LOLWhen your mind works different than most, when it's constant, never ending thoughts. When it makes you irritated at a young age that you have to blink, it's only natural that you will end up self medicating yourself somehow. At 16, doctors, counslors and phycologists tried many an antidepressent on me to no avail. And still to this day, my body does not, cannot and will not process them the way yours most likely would or even does. Apparently, it also doesn't process illegal substances or narcotics the way it should either. LOL Anyway.... It's a terrifying thought that you will have to live your life alone with your thoughts. To never have a quiet mind, a mind at peace. Honestly, the thought that there is nothing any doctor, be it MD or phycologist, can do to help, at times makes me want to just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Not that i EVER would. The love i have for Bitty and Husband keeps that aspect of it in check. But still. Music used to be my outlet, and recently it has become an outlet again, however it's doesn't work like it once did. It's also a very,very terrifying thought i permanately fried some wires in my brain, either from years of drug use, severe allergic reaction to an antianxiety med i NEVER should have been prescribed, or the most terrifying thought of all, the thought that i could have possibly had a small stroke or two. One, over our fourth of july vacation where Husband actually seriously believed me to be having one after taking said anxiety med with the nerve meds i take for my back, and one in the car the night before i landed in the E.R. I can't remember what i took that night, if i had taken both together again, frankly i can't remember much from that night or the weeks leading up to it. I'm still having issues with my memory, which to me is just not acceptable. I'm the girl that remembers, in detail, damn near everything, not the girl who doesn't know where she put her purse, though it's right in front of her. But, i'm alive. And most importantly, clean. I haven't been able to say those words in years. I've always been able to see beauty through a camera lense, but now i can truely see it with my own eyes. For the first time in my life, i look in the mirror and i see the girl that others have seen many years ago, the one who is pretty. Dispite looking like hell. Dispite my weight only creeping up to 103 as of yesterday. Despite being more than likely pretty damn aniemic at this point. I look at myself, and for the first time, i'm proud of who i am. I AM a damn strong woman. We all have it in us. Everyone. Maybe your issues aren't as life threatening, maybe they don't seem that bad to others. But they're yours, and they're scarey. But everything is possible. I quit a laundry list of drugs, cold turkey. I may be exhausted, i may be quick to snap at Bitty and whoever else might irritate me in the moment. But it's temporary. I may not know what my body is doing at the moment, between bleeding heavily for a week with zero pain right after having a period, to wanting to sleep but can't. To the usual withdrawl feelings of chills and cold sweats. It's all temporary. The fact that my spelling is even more horrible, the fact that i cannot remember things; mainly numbers and days, the fact that at this very moment i am an untreated ADHD, anxiety ridden, anorexic, recovering addict, those things i hope with all the faith in the world are also, only temporary. Because while my mind and thoughts drive me insane, while i should have probably been commited to the physch wourd that day when i went to the hospital, I know that my mind and thoughts make me....well me. I know i'm not crazy, crazy people don't know they're crazy. LOL Hell, mybe there's a genious lying somewhere inside me, and Albert Einstein so to speak. Or maybe, i'm just that girl who can talk someone else off a cliff, after all no one knows better how NOT to fall, than someone who has fallen. I'm not gonna spell check this and if anyone reading it would be so kind as to maybe compare to an earlier post and just fill me in on any changes in the spelling department, that would be great. Maybe it's just me who thinks that has gotten worse. LOL

Take some time......

It's nice to take the time and take stock of what's not only right in your life, but what is wrong. Nothing happens by chance, be it karma or God. Be it by devine intervention or simple self reflection, at some point we all need to take the time to take a long, hard look at where we are, where we were, who are now and who we were then. And if there is any aspect, be it small or overwhelming, that you don't like, the only person with the power to change that, is you. One week ago today, i looked down at myself in the shower and realized that i weighed about 90lbs. And no, it wasn't from lack of food. Battling a drug addiction for 3 years or so finally had taken it's toll, along with the events that led up to that day, like non purposly inhaling chemical bug spray and bleach. It's a good, freeing feeling when you not only chose to make that change in your life, to stop living a lie, no matter how great the task at hand, but to come clean to those closest to you, is all most just as wonderful. So whatever change you feel you need to make in your life to get to where you KNOW you're supposed to be, whatever change needs to happen so that you can be the person you know damn well you're intended to be, in say do it. And don't even stop to think about it. As someone with the mind of untreated ADHD, i know more than most how the human brain can and will talk itself out of anything, soley from fear and we fear what we do not know. For days after my stint in the ER, i was worried i had lost one of the things i hold so dear to me and that is my brain, my thoughts, my words. I had no idea what day we were on, the week before was a blur and i couldn't remember it either. My pupils were so dialated that, had you not known better, you'd think i was strung out. I was almost certain i had lost the one thing that, as much as it drives me insane, it makes me who i am. It's what made me the person other people would come to. I know i pissed more than a few people off with my rant the other day, (yeah, i'm still having issue with remembering the days), and to some of you i truely am sorry, like my "Mommy", and she knows who she is. Yes, i have a Mom (the one with cancer) and a Mommy, the one who never once judged me, who opens her arms wide even when i don't think i want them. You see, people are just that, people. And the ones who love you will always love, reguardless. Our senior class moto was "be the change you wish to see in the world" That doesn't need to mean the world as a whole. At the center of your world, is YOU. And if there needs to be a change in it, it can only start with you. So if along the way, you piss off a few people, or even a few hundred people, and those people never look at or talk to you again, they aren't worth it. As they say, those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind. So i say go for it. I, for one, am glad i did. The world's a nicer place with clean and sober eyes.

Invincible.....

No matter how old you get, you'll always be a child and as a child we think our parents are invincible. Until one day, they're not. I've already been there with my dad, and it was quite a wake up call. But somehow, i never really thought i'd have to worry about my mom. Though she's over weight, and lives a very sedentary life, and is by far the most unhappy, mad at the world person i know. My dad on the other hand, is an alcoholic and a drug user, so i kinda expected something to happen to him, even though it took my by surprise when he had a heart attack several years ago. Especially since my parents are fairly young, my dad is like 54 or 55 and my mom is like 51 or 52. That all changed for me just a few days ago, on June 3rd my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer and i've been in a grumpy fog ever since. Questions flood my mind. Questions like, what does this mean for me, what does it mean for my daughter. How is my mom gonna make it through it. She lives alone, has some friends but it's not like she has a super strong support system. Our relationship is awkward to say the least. And we all know one of the most important factor in surviving cancer is 1) your strong will to survive, which i hate to say it but i'm not sure she'd have one, and 2) the support system you create around yourself.  She meets with the surgeon this Wednesday. Hopefully when they do the surgery they'll find that it's just the early stage of cancer and she won't have to go through hell. I won't have to try to explain cancer to a 3 and a half year old. I still haven't told my dad. I don't know what exactly i'm waiting for, other than i've been trying to avoid saying it out loud. Cancer is such a dirty little word. It feels as though my mouth should be washed out with soap after saying out loud.
I feel as though i should start a Relay for Life team. I mean, i have a March for Babies team and do things with the March of Dimes since Bitty was born. Wouldn't it be unfair of me to not do the same for my mom? But then again, anymore cancer is so prevalent in our society that pretty much everyone knows someone or has been directly affected by it. And i'm pretty sure that if everyone who'd been affected by it had a Relay for Life team or simply raised money for The American Cancer Society, there'd be no such thing as cancer anymore. So maybe, just maybe i wouldn't be a horrible person if i didn't do that.
I really wish i had someone i could talk to who got it. Got what it feels like. Got what questions run through your head. But then again, i wouldn't talk about it even if i did have someone like that. It's just not how i roll. LOL I'm not the person who reaches out for someone, i'm the person on the other end. The person who is always there for others, who will willing take your hand in your time of need. Suppose i get that from my mom. Well, not the being there for other people part, but the not talking about the things that bother me most. The not reaching out for help part. I suppose i am more like her then i'd like to admit. Ssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. LOL

I don't remember reading about this while i was pregnant.......

One thing i've learned about being a parent is that, no matter how much you read; whether it's books or magazines, you are bound to come across problems you have no idea about. Problems that no one writes about. Problems that have no real answer and no amount of knowledge can help you answer.
          The other day, Bitty said to her daddy "i'm gonna be a big sister!" With wide eyes he turned to me and i quickly shattered her notion. This isn't something new for her either. She often talks about being a sister, and i can see why she would. The shows she watches on t.v., the characters have siblings. Her cousins that she always plays with are brothers and sisters. I was pretty certain this was a concept she didn't understand, atleast until last night i thought that. She wanted to visit her Pap and his girlfriend, so we did. I was telling her "grandma tracy" about the incident that happened early this week, and ofcourse she got a kick out of it too. Except she decided to ask a question of Bitty, do you WANT to be a big sister? To which she happily replied "yes!" So grandma T asked yet another question, "would you like a baby brother or sister?" Bitty didn't even have to think about it, she swiftly answered, "a baby sister." *sigh*
As parents, we hope that we can give our children more than what we had, and i always swore that i felt as though i had and still am, missing out on something by not having any siblings and that my child wouldn't have to feel that. THAT was the one thing i wanted to give my child that i didn't have growing up. Being married to someone that has siblings deffinately reinforced that idealogy. Flash forward to almost 4 years ago when Bitty came into this world 11 weeks premature. Suddenly, i know longer wanted to do that again. And it's not that i don't want to have another baby, because i do, i just don't want to be pregnant again. That thought baffles Husband. It's amazing how we instinctively know what we can or cannot handle, and i know without a shadow of doubt that i cannot go through that again, in my heart i know the circumstances would be the same but the outcome would be different. But then again, i didn't think the biggest pressure to have another baby, would come from daughter.

Happy Mother's Day.....

it's not the presence of a child that makes a woman a mother, it's the love she has in her heart for them.

Justice?

I'm pretty much just as glad as everyone else the Osama is dead, but what i don't understand is the people claiming that now the victims of the 9/11 attacks now have justice. More innocent lives have been lost overseas durring this "war on terrorism" than were lost on the attacks of 9/11. Where's the justice for those family's? The justice for the hundreds of thousands of innocent lives lost in Iraq and Afganistan? The lives of all the American soldiers that have died? Granted, soldiers know what they're signing up for, the know they have a good chance of not comming home when they're sent off to war. But still. Do the families of the innocent overseas get to seak justice for the death of their loved ones? And if so, who do they go after, George W. Bush? After all, he declared this "war on terrorism". He sent thousands of American troops over there. Should we be consider terrorists for going over there with intent of finding ONE man, and yet killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people? And how hard were we really looking for him, when it took 10 years to find him?

WTF.....

I was at Walmart today getting stuff for Bailey's Easter basket, after getting the usual candy, chocolate and small toys, i thought i'd pick her out some new nail polish. While perusing the many nail polishes they have, i noticed something quite......disturbing. And no, it wasn't the price of OPI. Although, $7.00 for a little bottle of nail polish is beyond absurd. I looked down to see a cheaper nail polish, $2.00, but the "WOOHOO" moment didn't last long. Now, as parents we're all aware of how young girls are dressing, well, for a lack of better words, slutty, at younger and younger ages. And, as the parent of a girl, i try to be very aware of what i wear on my daughter. Shoot, she's been asking for make up for a couple months now and well, she ain't gettin' none for, well, for as long as i can get away with not getting her any. No 3 year old needs to know what eye shadow, mascara, or blush is. Atleast, not in my opinion. Anyway, back to the nail polish. It was very pretty nail polish, especially for two dollar nail polish. But i just couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. Not with names like, "naughty girl". And that was one of the less trashy names. I mean really, what has the world come to when it's ecceptable for products aimed at young girls, to be called by such whorey sounding names?!?! I know it's just nail polish, but come on! So, i payed the absurd price for OPI and didn't feel bad about it. Atleast i know my daughter won't be wearing nail polished called "naughty girl".

War, what is it good for.........

I'm always touched by video tributes to fallen soldiers. But, at the same time, it only strengthens my belief that you can't gain peace from war. I find it odd that, living in a country that gained it's freedom hundreds of years ago, that we insist on claiming that every war we step in to is to fight for something we essentially already have. Mean while, letting our own country crumble while leaving us sesptable to our own self destruction. My views on war are generally something i keep to myself, as most of the men and some of the women in my family have either fought in a war, or were inlisted in some branch of the Armed Forces. And while i'm proud to say that my grandfather fought in WW2 and that many of the men in my family proudly served this country in some form or another, I myself, feel differantly about war than they do. In my experiance, many people believe that if you don't support a war, then you obviously don't support the people who are out there risking their lives. That idealogy is completely wrong. Many people who believe as i do, support the PEOPLE out there fighting, but not what they're fighting for. Because face it, we aren't fighting to gain freedom for the U.S., we fighting just to fight.

Defeated

The March for Babies is a meer 46 days away and i have yet to get anyone to donate online. Why is it so hard for people now a days to reach in their pockets and donate to a good cause? I've always been that person that other people  come to when their kids are selling something for school, or taking donations for a charity, because i never say no. Why is it so hard for others to just say "okay, i'll donate $1". Nothing makes you feel more defeated than not even being able to get someone to donate a dollar. Ofcourse, i'm not surprised. The same thing happened last year. Only one person donated online, and it was a family member. Yet, though i'm not surprised, i'm still greatly disapointed. Disapointed in myself for thinking this year could be different, disapointed in others for their lack of willingness. People seem to be so quick to want to donate to a charity that's for cancer, or natural disaster relief. But ask them to donate to a charity that doesn't spend thousands of dollars running ads on t.v., or in newspapers. A charity that many people aren't very familiar with, even though you've gone above and beyond explaining to people who they are and what they do, and they're just not willing to even give a whopping dollar. You surely will not miss that dollar, trust me.

You simply cannot win an argument with yourself........

My husband and i go back and forth about the idea of having another baby. Then again, name another married couple with one child who doesn't toss the idea around occasionally. I'm lucky that my husband understands where i'm comming from and never pushes me to think or feel anything different. If only dealing with my inner thoughts were that easy. I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to talk some sort of reason into, what most people would call, irrational thoughts. But to me, not only are they perfectly rational, they're logical too. For instance, i developed getational diabetes while pregnant with Bitty, so chances are i'll develop it again. Bitty was 11 weeks premature, having a premature baby increases your risk of having another premature baby by 50%. Everytime i have a dream that involves having another baby, the baby always dies. I guess i should state that LONG before i got pregnant with Bitty, every dream i had involving a child, that child was always a girl, while pregnant with Bitty, i felt that she was a girl(no one believed me since my husbands family is known for only having boys). And then there's my gut feeling. The feeling they tell you to always listen to, because more often than not, your gut instinct is right. And mine tells me not to. However, i can't help but feel as though i'm robbing not only Bitty of a sibling, but i feel as though i robbing my husband of the chance at having a little boy. Sure, there's always adoption, and maybe we'll look into that one day. But, it's just not the same. Being an only child myself, i've always felt i missed out on something great growing up and swore that when i had children, it would be just that, CHILDREN. Not a child. I don't want Bitty to grow up feeling that empty feeling i had and still do. Sure, she may not, she may be ever so grateful to grow up an only child. Or, she could resent me for making the choice to MAKE her an only child. And then there's husband. I can start to see it in him that he really does wish to have another child and i am holding him back, and the last thing i want is him to hold resentment against me for not being able to give in and have another child. I can't seem to ever talk sense into myself when i'm arguing in my head. I can't even manage to talk myself into having another baby.

Um, yeah.....

So....yesterday was the Art auction and let me just say, my photo.......DID AWESOME. The heART of Friendship foundation recieved $180 for, what basically is a black and white photo of a door.But, honestly, i seem kinda numb to it. I suppose other things have been plagueing my mind. Like, the fact that i'm 29 and, what in my heart i believe, starting menopause. Yay. Yeah, i know, i should go to the doctor. But, i don't want to. I don't want someone, someone who doesn't know me, someone who doesn't know my life, my story, my dreams, to tell me that at 29, it's no longer MY choice to have another child. `Cause, ya know, i already blame myself and my body for failing to carry Bitty for 40 weeks. Now, it seems to want to say, HAHAHA, you don't even get the chance to get it right. Stupid girl. Yeah. See how my mind works.

Have a little faith....

I'm not what you'd call a religious person, no where even close to one. However, if there's one thing i have an abundance of, it's faith. The problem with having an abundance of it, i tend to put too much of it into things that, well, i really shouldn't. For that matter, i'm kind of an oximoron as well. I have little to no faith in myself, but have all the faith in the world for the things i do and people i love. This brings us to the heART of Friendship art auction this Friday. I do believe, once again, that i have put entirely too much faith in the photo i donated. I guess you could compare this photo to an only child, so to speak. I'm glad it's just a photo and not a child though, for if it was, it would most likely end up like me. To much pressure on it to be something great, a feeling that if it doesn't do well, it won't be loved. Too high of a standard to live up to. Some how or another, i seem to have projected my self worth as a novice photographer onto this ONE photo; and if it fails to meet my standards, which by the way i have no idea what they are, then i too, have failed. I know, poor photo, right? LOL And when i take into consideration that i myself, do not really like this photo, that i left it up to people on Facebook to decide for me what photo to enter, well, i can only hope that i made the right choice.

Trust, it's not always a good thing....

Nothing irritates me more than when someone you call a friend pulls the wool over your eyes. Husband bought a truck from someone who he works with, someone who he considers a friend. Now, this "friend", and i use the term lightly, we susupect of not being, well.....real honest. But yet, husband trusted him enough to buy his truck without driving it or looking it over, he took his "friends" word that very little was wrong. HA Now, i know he is partially to blame as every knows you should test drive something before buying it. Ofcourse, now we discover wayyy more wrong with it then his friend lead him to believe. It kinda saddens me alittle. Husband didn't used to be that way. He was never even half as trusting as me. I am what most people would call nieve, I call it refusing to believe that everyone has bad intentions, even though i get screwed more often than not. I guess being together for almost 11 years, i have seemingly rubbed off him. I just wish it wasn't that part of me that rubbed off. LOL I can think of atleast 10 other things that i would rather have rubbed off.

It's been awhile......

So, it's been awhile since i was last on here and quite frankly, it's not that i was too busy to get here, i just really didn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong, i have been busy, but i've never been one who can write when i don't feel like it. I have to feel like writing or i litterally can't muster up words that make any kind of sense. Now, it's been so long i can't hardly figure where to start. Hmmmmmmm

Well, next Friday is a big day for me. Like, make it or break it kinda big. Well, atleast i feel as though it could be. Next Friday is the heART of Friendship art auction, and while it's not that big of deal, it's a big deal to me. I entered one of my photographs and while i don't expect it to go for hundreds of dollars, i will be crushed if it goes for next to nothing. I view my photography as an extension of myself, so for no one to be interested in it, to me, says that i must not be as good as what i have been told. Stupid, i know. But, that's how i roll. LOL
This past weekend, we (me, Husband, Bitty, married friends plus their 4 kids) attended The March for Babies team captain kick-off held at our local Texas Roadhouse. Kinda pointless for me, but my friend is new to the March for Babies so i thought we ought to attend. I'm glad we did, it was quite fun. Not to mention, who wouldn't jump at the chance for free, yes i said FREE Texas Roadhouse food. After last years march and the hassle i had with my team, i had pretty much given up on ever doing it again. But, after talking to said friend and realizing that i couldn't let down millions of babies. So, i have taken a no holds bar look at it this year. I put on my big girl panties and decided the other members will either do what's asked of them, or just simply not be a part of my team. And that's fine with me. I don't hold it against them, after all, it wasn't their daughter born 11 weeks early. Although i must say, trying to fundraise in this economy is enough to make anyone want to throw in the towel.
I've also decided to plan a baby shower for above mentioned friend. She is pregnant with her 5th child, which is believed to be a girl. Which, if i might add, is udderly awesome since her other 4 children are boys. Personally, i believe the woman should receive mother of the century for being a SAHM of 4 boys. Anyway, after telling me that no one in her family had planned to throw her a shower, i stepped up to the plate. What kind of friend would i be had i not. It's proving to test me though. But, i'll manage!
Speaking of pregnant friends, quite alot of my friends are either pregnant right now or just had a baby. Talk about feeling the urge to make another baby. LOL So, back i go with my internal struggle, giving Bitty a sibling versus risking the life of another baby to do so. For some reason, most people think i'm crazy for that. I, however, can justify it 100%. It really irritates me when people, people who don't bother to stop and think, blurt out how i NEED to have another child, because after all, we all know how only children are. WHAT THE F*#K. Please people, don't lump all only children together. My daughter plays just fine with other children, she knows what sharing is and not only that, she does it. She's not spoiled and does not get whatever she wants. And for that matter, I am an only child and take severe affense to that notion. I share just fine. I wish it was just that easy, to just have another child. For some of us, there are things that get in the way. Things more important then making sure my child isn't an only child.

January 27th

January 27th is merely a little over a week away. It's a Thursday. It's the day after my BIL birthday. It's the same day as some of my friends. It's also the day i should be celebrating Bitty's 3rd birthday. January 27th always seems to put things in perspective for me. I know my daughter was 11 weeks early, i'm not retarded. But to think that we celebrated her birthday on November 11th, THAT makes me realize exactly how long 11 weeks is. It always seems to make me a little sad too.

My ode to snow.....

Oh snow, how i love thee, let me count the ways. I love your pretty sparkle when the light shines on you at night. I love peaceful quiet you bring to a bustling world. I love the way you cling on the trees, almost as if you don't ever want to leave. I love the soft crunch you make under my shoes and the way you seem to chase away my winter blues. I love to take pictures of you and watch as the wind makes you move. I love the way you taste and how you lay with such grace. The size of your flakes, the smell in the air, i even love what you do to my hair.

I'm NOT a quitter!

I'm not a quitter. I'm just down right not the person who just quits something. Even if i hate it, i stick with it. I also HATE losing, but that's a whole nother story. LOL In my previous post, i talked about how New Years resolutions are basically lame and all you end up doing is failing yourself, or not following through with what ever it was you resolved. Every year, I vow to quit smoking. <------dead give away that i surely can't follow through with a resolution. However, this is one instance where i soooooo long to be a quitter. So far, i'm doing pretty good at still smoking. The only differance between this year and the years before, i'm actually keeping track of how much i smoke and making sure to cut that number back every day. And let me tell you, doing it that way versus the good ole "cold turkey" method, is gonna save alot of lives. I'm hoping to be done with cigarettes by no later than the end of the month. Ofcourse, i may weigh 50lbs more, but who cares, atleast i'll be smoke free. LOL I shouldn't lie, i haven't been eating that much, but Fruit Rollups seem to keep the urges at bay sometimes. LOL I hope i can do this, i really, REALLY do. This year's gonna be different, this year, i WILL become a quitter.