Can't we just skip it?...

I hate my daughter's birthday. I would just as soon completely skip over that day. I know i'm not alone in that feeling, I'm positive that other mothers in the P.P. club (Preemie Parents Club) feel that way too. The day Bitty was born was far from being the happiest day of my life. There was no "honey my water broke" after 40 weeks. There was no "labor for hours, push out a squeling, pudgy little girl". There was no "leave the hospital WITH your baby". It was, simply put, the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was a miserable pregnancy filled with umpteen bloodtests, doctor visits, and ultrasounds in the very begining. Followed by migraines and spontainous barfing at the end. I HATED being pregnant. The only thing i loved and still am astounded by is the fact that i held life inside of me. And while just about every minute of being pregnant i hated, i will always, ALWAYS cherish the feeling of carrying a seperate life inside of me. There was no happy delivery. It was replaced with every drug to STOP it. Followed by every drug to stop the drugs that stop your labor, because the drugs that stop labor apparently make a select few peoples heart's want to explode. There was no cliche breathing. That got replaced with "we can't find her heart beat, you're having your daughter NOW." There was no loud wailing of a baby the minute it's born. There was instead the mousey squeak of a baby not ready to breath. There was massive blood loss and fluid filled lungs on my end, and tubes, wires, machines, and everything bit of technology used to keep people alive on Bitty's end. There was no spend 4days in the hospital get discharged with your baby. There was instead, 4 days of "Jesus Christ i can't cough up the fluid because everytime i do it feels like my stomach is gonna rip open and all my organs are gonna splatter on the floor, you can't hold your baby all you can do is look at her, your 4 days are up you need to leave while your baby has to stay behind". There was no bring the baby home and be greated by all those who love you. Instead it was go home to your empty house with a hospital braclet that serves as a constant reminder that while you are officially a parent you have no baby to show for it, spend hours lying awake at night waiting for that phone call that tells you your baby isn't gonnna make it come in and say goodbye. It's been 5 years now since Bitty was born, and i still can relive and feel each and every moment, from the time i went into labor until the day she was discharged, December 28. It was hell. I'm all about celebrating this beautiful life that i held in my body for as long as i could. However, i would just as soon celebrate that day on December 28, the day i finally brought my baby home. Sure, i became a mommy on November 11 2007 at 4:24pm to a 29 week old fetus (sounds crude i know, but in my opinion that's what i had) that weighed in at a whopping 2lbs 15oz and was an astonishing 16 and a quarter inches long. I was a mommy for 48 days before i finally got to have a baby to show for it. But on December 28, the day we brought our tinie tiny 4lb baby home from the hospital, the day i got to cut off my hospital braclet for good. THAT'S the day i had my baby. The day she came home WITH me. That's the day i want to celebrate, THAT was a happy day. The day she was born, not so much. That's a day i would just as soon be by myself. A day that i would much rather scribble off the calendar, atleast for now.