Imitation......

We've all grown up hearing the saying "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery." Personally, i feel it to be the most sneaky form of jealousy. Why would you want to copy someone elses originality? Why would you NOT want to be, well, YOU. To stand in someone else's shadow would probably get cold. Always striving to be like someone else, has got to be hard work. More work than it's worth really. Atleast i would think. I've never been one to follow a trend, to wear what's in style, to buy what all the other "kids" are buying. I am simply me. I suck at times, i hate myself at times, i have next to no confidence in what i should. But, that's me. I may have went through a period in my life where i tried to drown out who i was, and it worked. For a little. Well, for years. LOL But, it's just a chapter in my story, not the whole thing. I'm more me than i ever was, i know what i want, i know what i need, i know what i'm good at and what i need to work on. Each of us are responsible for writing our own story, that's what life is, OUR story. Why on Earth would you want to only read someone elses, instead of making your own? Why would you want to be a "syndication" and not broadcast live?
For as long as i can remember, my dad has always said they eyes are the window to a persons soul. Which, may just be why i have a thing for eyes. LOL Never in my life have i felt that to be more true than now. Sober eyes will show more than you could ever imagine. Eyes that have seen hell, that have seen from an early age, what no eyes really should, can also see what some people hide behind their words. Behind their actions. Words spoken can often be fake but where words fail, eyes will shine. It's why we tend to look away from someone we're lying to. Why, without tears, some will show shear pain. Without a smile, some will show pure delight. Without a smirk, some can show pure desire. Without speaking a word, can show you someones true self. The one they try to cover up by standing in someone elses shadow. A persons eyes will almost always show their insecurities when what they say contradicts what they do.

Breathe..........

When you lay your faults out for the world to see, when you not only come clean to yourself but to those who you care about, it's a good, warm fuzzy feeling. Yeah, that'd be a lie. It's terrifying. Not so much walking out of the dark, but owning up to and facing the reprocutions of whatever it was your actions were. Knowing there's no one to pass the blame to, you did it. Whatever it was, whatever lasting effects it may have caused, you did it. You did it to yourself. And having to explain what "it" was to people who you don't know, who don't know you, don't know your struggles, your strengths, it's next to shameful. Especially to someone who's never been down that road. Someone who doesn't know what it takes to climb out of hell. I know i am most certainly not looking forward to trying to explain to the lady who will be doing my lung function test, why they suspect perminate damage or underlying inflamtion in my lungs. After all, how does one explain chemically burning their lungs, by accident? How do you explain that a few hours after using bug spray, you cleaned with bleach, then later that night, after smoking a cigerette, your mouth welted up, and your snot, saliva, and if your eyes coulda made tears, burned. How, both your snot and spit tasted like a bad chemical reaction. How your lungs didn't want to work. And how you can't remember if that's even what caused it. Or if it was an allergic reaction to medication you shoulda never been given, but can't remember if you took. How you can't truely remember or be certain what happened in the days leading up to it, the day itself, and the days following because frankly, those days are missing from your memory. They simply don't exsist. I know they happened, i seen pictures Husband took of Bitty and what not, but to me, i've gone round and round and driven myself insane trying to remember those days, so that i have answers, and can accurately tell someone what happened, but they're just not there. And when your the girl with the kickass memory, the girl who can close her eyes and tell you in detail something that happened 12 years ago, who can be in that moment and smell the smells, see the colors, hear the voices....... my brain doesn't loose days, it just doesn't. And now, there aren't just days missing, there are weeks. And everyday that passes, everyday my mind tries to cling to, makes me become more forgetful. I'd mention that to the doctor, but i don't wanna know what my brain looks like.

Fate......

Not a damn thing happens by chance, and if you believe different, you ain't paying enough attention. Take me for instance, i grew up with a an addict father, grew up with two boys that turned into addicts, had entirely too many addict friends in high school. Too many who died, not enough who lived to tell their story. Over exposure to drugs may have kept me clean 98% of my life, but it's also given me the tools needed, to overcome it. It also taught me what the hell to stay away from. Well, atleast for the most part. LOL Many, many years ago, my best friend and i got a drink at our local resturant, we were a penny short, got one hang of lecture but left off the hook. Years later, when i was working at a gas station, i got an informative little lesson from an old man about the importance of "saving your pennies". My mind smiled from the memory of an older lesson learned about comming up short of a penny. See, you may not know why something is happening in the moment, maybe years until it hits you, but if you're paying attention, you know it when it comes. Not everything bitch slaps you like drug addiction can.

Philosophise.......LOL

I don't remember what grade it was, but in high school i took a Philosophy class and we were asked by our teacher, over coffee i might add, if there is a God; is he all good? My answer, NO. From the time we're born, we're taught things that are considered good and things that are considered bad. Mainly, we figure out what is bad by doing the opposite of what we're taught is good. So, in order to know good, you also have to know what's bad. If God created all, then he too created bad. After all, good is an action and for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every good person out there, there is a seed in them that is bad. Part of them that has the potential be an evil mastermind. Shit, we all have that. People are neither all good, nor all bad. Some of us have a little more of one than the other, some of us hide our bad part real well. Others, well their good part runs and hides.

Come out swingin'.........

Pick a fight with a stranger, you might win. Pick a fight with your body, with your demons, you better have one hell of fighter in you. And you sure as hell better come out swinging. Pick a fight with a stranger, they may walk away. Pick a fight with your demons, it's a fight to the death. One of you ain't comming out alive. You just gotta know who the winner will be, have your mind set that there's only one option, one choice. To fight. To fight with your life, FOR YOUR LIFE. Otherwise, you WILL loose. I was born a fighter, always have been. I got it in me, i KNOW i do. I KNOW who the winner of this one will be, ME. Be prepared when starting a fight with your own demons, the hell inside yourself. They don't call them demons for nothing. You just gotta ask yourself, if the fire in YOUR belly burns brighter than theirs.

Fridays suck............

Why on earth are fridays so much hard than saturday through thursday?!?! My body and mind are tired. My hands are tired of hold themselves. This shit sucks. I know i got this, i know i do, but days like today are still just as hard as day one. And this is day 14. I want to just be and i cannot. Tomorrow, more than likely, but not today. Not today. Today, i'm a recovering addict, tomorrow i'll kick it's ass. Today, it's kickin' mine. So go ahead, kick my ass today addict brain and body, tomorrow i'll come out swinging again. Today, i'll let ya make me feel like shit, today you can have your increased heart rate, cold sweats, and exhaustion. Tomorrow, we'll meet again and i'll bring it just like i've been doin'. One bad day every six ain't too damn shabby. Next Friday, when i mark week three, well we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Get me a damn vacation!

If there's one thing the nervous break down taught me, NO ONE is gonna look out for you with out YOU first looking out for you. With that said, when you spread yourself too thin, when you become the go to person for everyone with a problem, you will loose sight of your own. Not that they go away, they just seem to compound. And here you thought you'd never need to know exponents and compounding after high school. If you're life is a downward spiral, but you put it on hold for everyone else's problems, one problem turns into 10 real quick like. When the idea of checking yourself into the looney bin looks more like a vacation, it's time for a break. LOL

The mind of an addict........

If you've never been an addict, never known the mind of one, you're lucky. It's a horribly scarey place. For days on end, there's no sleep, there's only one thought; get drugs and get high. If you've never stood proudly by one, held their hand, you have zero room to judge. To be an addict, to admit it outloud, to not only hold yourself accountable, but give others the chance to do the same, is a terrifying moment. It's the moment you not only find out who you are and what you're made of, but of the people around you- you learn the ones who love you. The mind of addict wants what it cannot have, the body of an addict fights itself with muscles spasms, cold sweats, an inability to just sit and be, stomach cramps, diahrea. It's a horrible thing really. It hurts. It sucks. When the mind of an addict slowly, and i do mean SLOWLY turns the corner, the body begins going through a completely different set of pains. The organs of an addict don't know how to function anymore, the gut hurts as it passes food through it, the lungs suffer, the heart suffers, the brain falls short. Couple that with the body of an anorexic and you have what i call complete hell. You eat, your body says sleep because it doesn't want to burn the calories. You have zero energy, ZERO. Your body can't regulate it's own temperture, so you cold most of the time, but lord help ya if you get hot, you get hot it's miserable. Your stomach isn't used to having anything in it, so even the smallest amount of food, hurts. Your bowels are used to having to work, so you know exactly when they are, and they ain't happy about it. Go long enough without eating, and after your body burns through it's fat and muscle, it begins to burn...wait for it.........YOUR BRAIN. So, take a brain partially used to nourish a body lacking food, coupled with the brain of an addict, and well, it's not a fun place to be. No fun at all. I've been driving myself up a wall trying to recollect the past few weeks of my life and there are litterally days missing. Days i cannot account for, to me they simply didn't exsist. Frusterating? Not even close. Think drugs are fun? Haha. Well, maybe in the moment. But nobody remains an addict forever. We either die from it, or the part of us that was an addict dies. Everything is temporary. The pain. The addiction. But the pride that comes from being able to not just admit who you were, but stay clean, to loose the addict, THAT is permanant. The brain function i know i'm missing, well it's most likely permanant as well. But, i'll take that. Because i'm still here. And that's what matters. I was given a chance few addicts are, a chance to start over. Some addicts o.d. and go on to eventually die from one. Some of us o.d. AND have a nervous breakdown, to come out of it. Because sometimes, that's what needs to happen. Some of us are hard learners. There's a plan for each and everyone of us, whether we see it or not, it's there. My plan was NOT to be an addict, but a quitter. What's yours?

Hold Your Hand........

There's many a thing people do not know about me. For instance, i've held the hand of heroin addict as they shot up. I take care of people, i'm a natural born nurturer, atleast when it comes drugs addicts. Well, i was for many years anyway, when that man overdosed, part of me went 6ft under with him. I am an only child, no real brothers or sisters, but from the time i was about 3 or 4, i grew up with two boys who will always be my brothers. One i just happened to have to burry. The other, well. That's for another time. There's a difference, i know now, between holding the hand of your brother while he faces the inevetable, and holding up your family because only one of you has had the strength to make this journey. The journey is proving to be long and hard. But i've been down it before. Husband keeps insisting i should leave him, he keeps wishing me away. He doesn't know that he has it in him too. But that's okay, i know. I showed him the obituary of the Jesse i burried, explaining that burring my brother is one thing, burring the man i love, ain't gonna happen. You see, the mind of addict, no matter the drug of choice, is the same. It wants the same, it's a one track thought process for the first good three days, and that track, is drugs. It took thinking my husband would be burrying me, to unearth the girl that was burried along time ago. That girl, ain't going away again. I forgot about her, i missed her. I may feel like an ahlztimers patient anymore, but the girl i WAS is staying. Husband just needs to come around, come hell or high water i WILL see to that.

Really?!

Ever just have one of those days where you just want to go, really?! Yeah, been having that kinda past 3 months. LOL Hopefully, things begin to right themselves, even if it takes longer, i just want my luck to turn around. I've always been and will always be a firm believer in karma, though most of the time my karma sucks even though i'm not a bad person, just made some bad choices. Suppose maybe that's what it is, payback, a reality check maybe? I got a spider bite in my ass crack the other day, who the freak has that happen?!?! I'll tell ya who, this girl. I get it karma, i do. I may have been a good person, but i had a drug problem, but fo real, i'm getting my shit together, give it rest. LOL I should however, be the poster child for drug addiction and why you SHOULDN'T do them. Christ, if my memory doesn't start improving, i'll be in a nursing home. LOL Well, not really, it's not that bad. But i did spend 10 minutes looking for my purse yesterday, when it was right by the front door, where i had just been standing. Suppose the most i can do is get a good laugh out of it for now. Unless, well it keeps getting worse. Then, i may need to have my head examined. Haha, should have that done anyway. LOL

Out of darkness.....

No matter how much your husband says he loves you, don't let him buy you a cheap coffee pot once you're used to having a Bunn.
Ever since i was in my teens, i always thought i'd make a good philosopher, my husband now says i'd make a good motivational speaker. LOLWhen your mind works different than most, when it's constant, never ending thoughts. When it makes you irritated at a young age that you have to blink, it's only natural that you will end up self medicating yourself somehow. At 16, doctors, counslors and phycologists tried many an antidepressent on me to no avail. And still to this day, my body does not, cannot and will not process them the way yours most likely would or even does. Apparently, it also doesn't process illegal substances or narcotics the way it should either. LOL Anyway.... It's a terrifying thought that you will have to live your life alone with your thoughts. To never have a quiet mind, a mind at peace. Honestly, the thought that there is nothing any doctor, be it MD or phycologist, can do to help, at times makes me want to just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Not that i EVER would. The love i have for Bitty and Husband keeps that aspect of it in check. But still. Music used to be my outlet, and recently it has become an outlet again, however it's doesn't work like it once did. It's also a very,very terrifying thought i permanately fried some wires in my brain, either from years of drug use, severe allergic reaction to an antianxiety med i NEVER should have been prescribed, or the most terrifying thought of all, the thought that i could have possibly had a small stroke or two. One, over our fourth of july vacation where Husband actually seriously believed me to be having one after taking said anxiety med with the nerve meds i take for my back, and one in the car the night before i landed in the E.R. I can't remember what i took that night, if i had taken both together again, frankly i can't remember much from that night or the weeks leading up to it. I'm still having issues with my memory, which to me is just not acceptable. I'm the girl that remembers, in detail, damn near everything, not the girl who doesn't know where she put her purse, though it's right in front of her. But, i'm alive. And most importantly, clean. I haven't been able to say those words in years. I've always been able to see beauty through a camera lense, but now i can truely see it with my own eyes. For the first time in my life, i look in the mirror and i see the girl that others have seen many years ago, the one who is pretty. Dispite looking like hell. Dispite my weight only creeping up to 103 as of yesterday. Despite being more than likely pretty damn aniemic at this point. I look at myself, and for the first time, i'm proud of who i am. I AM a damn strong woman. We all have it in us. Everyone. Maybe your issues aren't as life threatening, maybe they don't seem that bad to others. But they're yours, and they're scarey. But everything is possible. I quit a laundry list of drugs, cold turkey. I may be exhausted, i may be quick to snap at Bitty and whoever else might irritate me in the moment. But it's temporary. I may not know what my body is doing at the moment, between bleeding heavily for a week with zero pain right after having a period, to wanting to sleep but can't. To the usual withdrawl feelings of chills and cold sweats. It's all temporary. The fact that my spelling is even more horrible, the fact that i cannot remember things; mainly numbers and days, the fact that at this very moment i am an untreated ADHD, anxiety ridden, anorexic, recovering addict, those things i hope with all the faith in the world are also, only temporary. Because while my mind and thoughts drive me insane, while i should have probably been commited to the physch wourd that day when i went to the hospital, I know that my mind and thoughts make me....well me. I know i'm not crazy, crazy people don't know they're crazy. LOL Hell, mybe there's a genious lying somewhere inside me, and Albert Einstein so to speak. Or maybe, i'm just that girl who can talk someone else off a cliff, after all no one knows better how NOT to fall, than someone who has fallen. I'm not gonna spell check this and if anyone reading it would be so kind as to maybe compare to an earlier post and just fill me in on any changes in the spelling department, that would be great. Maybe it's just me who thinks that has gotten worse. LOL

Take some time......

It's nice to take the time and take stock of what's not only right in your life, but what is wrong. Nothing happens by chance, be it karma or God. Be it by devine intervention or simple self reflection, at some point we all need to take the time to take a long, hard look at where we are, where we were, who are now and who we were then. And if there is any aspect, be it small or overwhelming, that you don't like, the only person with the power to change that, is you. One week ago today, i looked down at myself in the shower and realized that i weighed about 90lbs. And no, it wasn't from lack of food. Battling a drug addiction for 3 years or so finally had taken it's toll, along with the events that led up to that day, like non purposly inhaling chemical bug spray and bleach. It's a good, freeing feeling when you not only chose to make that change in your life, to stop living a lie, no matter how great the task at hand, but to come clean to those closest to you, is all most just as wonderful. So whatever change you feel you need to make in your life to get to where you KNOW you're supposed to be, whatever change needs to happen so that you can be the person you know damn well you're intended to be, in say do it. And don't even stop to think about it. As someone with the mind of untreated ADHD, i know more than most how the human brain can and will talk itself out of anything, soley from fear and we fear what we do not know. For days after my stint in the ER, i was worried i had lost one of the things i hold so dear to me and that is my brain, my thoughts, my words. I had no idea what day we were on, the week before was a blur and i couldn't remember it either. My pupils were so dialated that, had you not known better, you'd think i was strung out. I was almost certain i had lost the one thing that, as much as it drives me insane, it makes me who i am. It's what made me the person other people would come to. I know i pissed more than a few people off with my rant the other day, (yeah, i'm still having issue with remembering the days), and to some of you i truely am sorry, like my "Mommy", and she knows who she is. Yes, i have a Mom (the one with cancer) and a Mommy, the one who never once judged me, who opens her arms wide even when i don't think i want them. You see, people are just that, people. And the ones who love you will always love, reguardless. Our senior class moto was "be the change you wish to see in the world" That doesn't need to mean the world as a whole. At the center of your world, is YOU. And if there needs to be a change in it, it can only start with you. So if along the way, you piss off a few people, or even a few hundred people, and those people never look at or talk to you again, they aren't worth it. As they say, those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind. So i say go for it. I, for one, am glad i did. The world's a nicer place with clean and sober eyes.