No matter how old you get, you'll always be a child and as a child we think our parents are invincible. Until one day, they're not. I've already been there with my dad, and it was quite a wake up call. But somehow, i never really thought i'd have to worry about my mom. Though she's over weight, and lives a very sedentary life, and is by far the most unhappy, mad at the world person i know. My dad on the other hand, is an alcoholic and a drug user, so i kinda expected something to happen to him, even though it took my by surprise when he had a heart attack several years ago. Especially since my parents are fairly young, my dad is like 54 or 55 and my mom is like 51 or 52. That all changed for me just a few days ago, on June 3rd my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer and i've been in a grumpy fog ever since. Questions flood my mind. Questions like, what does this mean for me, what does it mean for my daughter. How is my mom gonna make it through it. She lives alone, has some friends but it's not like she has a super strong support system. Our relationship is awkward to say the least. And we all know one of the most important factor in surviving cancer is 1) your strong will to survive, which i hate to say it but i'm not sure she'd have one, and 2) the support system you create around yourself. She meets with the surgeon this Wednesday. Hopefully when they do the surgery they'll find that it's just the early stage of cancer and she won't have to go through hell. I won't have to try to explain cancer to a 3 and a half year old. I still haven't told my dad. I don't know what exactly i'm waiting for, other than i've been trying to avoid saying it out loud. Cancer is such a dirty little word. It feels as though my mouth should be washed out with soap after saying out loud.
I feel as though i should start a Relay for Life team. I mean, i have a March for Babies team and do things with the March of Dimes since Bitty was born. Wouldn't it be unfair of me to not do the same for my mom? But then again, anymore cancer is so prevalent in our society that pretty much everyone knows someone or has been directly affected by it. And i'm pretty sure that if everyone who'd been affected by it had a Relay for Life team or simply raised money for The American Cancer Society, there'd be no such thing as cancer anymore. So maybe, just maybe i wouldn't be a horrible person if i didn't do that.
I really wish i had someone i could talk to who got it. Got what it feels like. Got what questions run through your head. But then again, i wouldn't talk about it even if i did have someone like that. It's just not how i roll. LOL I'm not the person who reaches out for someone, i'm the person on the other end. The person who is always there for others, who will willing take your hand in your time of need. Suppose i get that from my mom. Well, not the being there for other people part, but the not talking about the things that bother me most. The not reaching out for help part. I suppose i am more like her then i'd like to admit. Ssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. LOL
