Defeated

The March for Babies is a meer 46 days away and i have yet to get anyone to donate online. Why is it so hard for people now a days to reach in their pockets and donate to a good cause? I've always been that person that other people  come to when their kids are selling something for school, or taking donations for a charity, because i never say no. Why is it so hard for others to just say "okay, i'll donate $1". Nothing makes you feel more defeated than not even being able to get someone to donate a dollar. Ofcourse, i'm not surprised. The same thing happened last year. Only one person donated online, and it was a family member. Yet, though i'm not surprised, i'm still greatly disapointed. Disapointed in myself for thinking this year could be different, disapointed in others for their lack of willingness. People seem to be so quick to want to donate to a charity that's for cancer, or natural disaster relief. But ask them to donate to a charity that doesn't spend thousands of dollars running ads on t.v., or in newspapers. A charity that many people aren't very familiar with, even though you've gone above and beyond explaining to people who they are and what they do, and they're just not willing to even give a whopping dollar. You surely will not miss that dollar, trust me.

You simply cannot win an argument with yourself........

My husband and i go back and forth about the idea of having another baby. Then again, name another married couple with one child who doesn't toss the idea around occasionally. I'm lucky that my husband understands where i'm comming from and never pushes me to think or feel anything different. If only dealing with my inner thoughts were that easy. I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to talk some sort of reason into, what most people would call, irrational thoughts. But to me, not only are they perfectly rational, they're logical too. For instance, i developed getational diabetes while pregnant with Bitty, so chances are i'll develop it again. Bitty was 11 weeks premature, having a premature baby increases your risk of having another premature baby by 50%. Everytime i have a dream that involves having another baby, the baby always dies. I guess i should state that LONG before i got pregnant with Bitty, every dream i had involving a child, that child was always a girl, while pregnant with Bitty, i felt that she was a girl(no one believed me since my husbands family is known for only having boys). And then there's my gut feeling. The feeling they tell you to always listen to, because more often than not, your gut instinct is right. And mine tells me not to. However, i can't help but feel as though i'm robbing not only Bitty of a sibling, but i feel as though i robbing my husband of the chance at having a little boy. Sure, there's always adoption, and maybe we'll look into that one day. But, it's just not the same. Being an only child myself, i've always felt i missed out on something great growing up and swore that when i had children, it would be just that, CHILDREN. Not a child. I don't want Bitty to grow up feeling that empty feeling i had and still do. Sure, she may not, she may be ever so grateful to grow up an only child. Or, she could resent me for making the choice to MAKE her an only child. And then there's husband. I can start to see it in him that he really does wish to have another child and i am holding him back, and the last thing i want is him to hold resentment against me for not being able to give in and have another child. I can't seem to ever talk sense into myself when i'm arguing in my head. I can't even manage to talk myself into having another baby.