Merry Fuckin' Christmas......

my mom loses her health insurance at the end of this month. She's still is suppose receive chemo until January/Feb. Each round of chemo costs about $12,000. Her solution? Quit receiving chemo when Medical Assistance drops her. Husbands's work ...is raising their health insurance to about $140 a WEEK, durring the time of year when they're lucky if they work enough hours to cover the cost of their insurance. Coincidently, they're off on Monday and IF they work the rest of next week, it will most likely be the last "week" they work until after the new year. And believe me, i could keep going on but honestly i really don't care to. I don't do sad and miserable with anyone, i prefer to do it alone. I don't go seeking for a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to me. I don't reach out in hopes someone will hold my hand, I don't freely talk about what bothers me and rarely cry infront of anyone, including my husband. I deal with my shit on my own, it's my shit. And right now, i don't give a rats ass about anyone else's miserableness.

Shutter........

I'm not sure what it is that has me thinking so much lately about, well, pretty much everything. I don't know if it's the whole turning 30 thing, or the fact that it's winter, or that i just plain down feel stuck and unispired. And when i say i've been thinking about pretty much everything, i mean it. From wishing i could just get over everything and have another baby to my mom and her chemo. From figuring out whether i want another laptop or to get a desktop instead (i've settled on http://www.shopping.hp.com/webapp/shopping/load_configuration.do?destination=review&config_id=6872639&jumpid=in_r329_saveconfig, i'm just waiting to win the lottery) to how to keep my feet from getting so freakin' cold all the time. (it makes my back hurt that much more) I spent hours upon hours burning everyone, well nearly everyone, of my 13,000+ pictures onto disks, to only have it dawn on me that out of those 13,000, there are several thousand beautiful pictures. Pictures that will most likely sit on a disk, never to be seen again. My laptop is beyond shot, so i damn near refuse to load any pictures i take onto it, so there's more than a few just sitting on my memory card. I have photo after photo of Bitty, BEAUTIFUL photos of her, yet none on my walls. I started working on a project for some family members with the wedding pictures i took, but since my laptop is fuckin' retarded, it has difficulties wanting to let me back on the site to finish it. I'm still waiting to hear back from the copywrite office, hell for all i know they didn't get my e-mail with the picture attatched to it. I never got said picture turned in for the heART of Friendship art auction this year because, well, revert to previous sentence. I hate my camera and know it's only a matter of time before i need to replace it aswell, however the one my heart is set on costs more than the computer i want. Quite a bit more actually, http://shop.usa.canon.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10051_10051_201108_-1. But dispite my scattered constant thoughts and technilogical malfunctions, the ONLY thing i can seem to want to do, IS TAKE SOME MORE PICTURES. Even that ain't comming to me as easily as it usually does. I need to take pictures of something new, someone new. I need to take pictures like, well like i used to need to take drugs. Don't get me wrong, i took pictures, damn good ones, long before i quite using, but now photography is something entirely different to me. It means so much more to me now than ever before. When i hear that shutter go off, my mind goes quiet. There is peace and an unbelievable clarity. I stared at my camera for a very long time durring the days and weeks after i quit using. Worried that i lost something. Worried that i could no longer see things the way i used to through that view finder. Worried and scared. I still remeber the very first things i took pictures of the day i picked my camera back up. I took simple, poopy pictures of my MIL's little fish pond and the flowers she had planted around it. I took a few pictures of a pretty white moth that landed on the pretty little white flowers right infront of my camera. They were shitty pictures. But for the first time in a long time, my heart was light. I get crap all the time for never charging anyone when asked to take their pictures. And while i know that i'll never get that camera i want and i'll never be able to claim a professional photographer title until the day i get paid for doing photography, i really could care less. Nobody ever quite understands when i try to explain my reasons for doing it the way i do, i've pretty much just resorted to simply saying i don't think i'm all that good, which isn't a lie and is one of the reasons i won't charge anyone, but it's not the real reason. I just simply LOVE to take pictures, i don't care who they're for, and i believe everyone should have those pictures that instantly spark not only a memory but pure emotion. Real ones, not those posed, fake-a-smile ones. It's not something i do, it's who i am. Every picture i take, whether it's for me or someone else, is part of me. You can't see it, but it's there. Some people meditate, some people pray. Some people go for a run while others might take a hot bath to clear their mind, help them relax. Me, i take pictures. And right now, i needs to take me some freakin' pictures. Or at the least, do something with the pictures i already have. I swear i hear my poor camera yelling at me from within it's little bag. And somedays i swear, if it didn't piss me off so bad, i might take it out and just snap away at random crap. But at the rate my technilogical problems have been going, it's probably safer tucked away with my lenses. Lord knows if forced to chose between a new camera or a new computer, i'm going with the camera. And at this moment i don't have that kinda money, and i damn certain can't go without one, which would means if i break this one anytime soon, i'm gonna need to sell a kidney.....LOL

OMG, I'm 30............

Apparently, i didn't sleep through today. LOL Which means, today i turn 30. Which, by the way, is not why i dislike my birthday. I don't care that chronologicallly i'm 30, it is afterall, only a number. I still get carded for ANYTHING you need to be over 18 to buy. I still wear the same size clothes i did when i was 16, probably not a good thing, but whatever. People still try to give me candy when i take Bitty trick or treating. Half the time, i still feel like i should be in high school, though i can honestly say, i'm glad i'm not. Not that i wouldn't do certain things differently now, like actually pay attention, not be so oblivious to certain things or about certain people. But there's no do over's, so oh well. I find it slightly amusing how so many people say age is only a number, yet their lives are almost dictated by that number. Some hide it, not wanting to admit they're of a certain age. Some, feel that they need to have certain things accomplished by a set age. Some believe there's a magic number in which you automatically become old. Which, i've felt old since i turned about 21, so that should make me elderly by now. Life has this way of trying to steal from us, what naturally makes us, well, us. It says, after high school you either need to go to college or get a job. It says that by the time you're my age, you should damn certain have your life figured out and grow the hell up. It makes you feel like, if you have children you must drive the minivan or some other equivelant, you need to have the good job, or be the poster spouse for the 1950's. Considering i still don't know what i wanna be when i grow up, i'd say i'm failing miserably. But sometimes, failing at something, is simply refusing to give in or give up. I WILL be that purple haired lady in the nursing home, racing her wheelchair soley for bragging rights. And you can bet your ass i'll have on some funky beanie and pair of Chucks. Life and growing up can only take away what you let it, and growing up doesn't go hand in hand with growing old. We've all been growing older since the moment we were born, but go ahead and tell a 4 year old to grow up, for that matter, go ahead and try to tell a 4 year old to do anything. I have NO intention of growing up, matter of fact, i've always known i would die young, but hell i might be 80 by the time that happens. And i'm happy to say that, with the exception of one goal, i'm honestly happy with the things i've accomplished and if by some twist of fate i would pass away tomorrow, i'd be okay with that. I've done alot, been through entirely too much shit, and seen more than i'd admit in my meager 30 years. I've burned a few bridges, hurt way too many, i've screwed up more than my fair share, and felt pride so much i cried. I carry the weight of things that aren't my burden, and forgiven myself for things most people still haven't. I'm overly critical of the girl i see in the mirror, but wouldn't have her anyother way. I may not like the way she looks, but i can't deny what's on the inside. And if there's one thing i've learned through this whole growing older processes, it's to never, under any circumstance, ever let life take hold of what's on the inside. Not life, not growing older, not anything. After all, you are you and there is no one more youer than you.