Well, that didn't help make me feel better about the weight i've gained since i quit using drugs. LOL I'm a pretty open person, obviously, but that's one i tend to keep to myself. Frankly, (up until this moment) unless you know me know me, like a close friend or close family member, chances are you didn't know. While i've learned to keep it in check, it doesn't make it any easier to gain weight. And it certainly does nothing to help deal with the weight once you gain it. Just because i am fully capable of seeing myself as too skinny, as i did 33 weeks ago, doesn't mean that i can accept myself at what most everyone else would concider to be a healthy weight. If i were to be asked what is harder to deal with; quitting drugs cold turkey with no rehab of any sort, or dealing with anorexia, the eating disorder wins hands down. When you become addicted to drugs of any sort and decided to quit, the physical withdrawl is the worst kinda hell you can fathom, the mental withdrawl is almost as bad. But they both pass. Especially if you have the mind set that i did and still do have; that you're done with it and there's no going back. I can be around the same people, be around drugs, be in pain, and have zero desire to go back. But with an eating disorder, it's hell everyday. A better version of hell, but then again it's a different hell all in it's own. The best comparison i've ever seen goes something like this; having an eating disorder is like having terminal cancer, it may go into remission, but it's always there. Most people who have an eating disorder (i'm just gonna call it an e.d. from now. LOL) have issues with needing to be in control of EVERYTHING, which is why alot of people with one; will resort back to it durring times of stress. I feel safe in saying all of us who have one, have had horrible self esteem since before we can remember. And i also feel confident in saying that those of us who have an e.d., keep it to ourselves. Because for someone who doesn't have one, there's no sense in even remotely bringing it up, because they don't stand a chance in remotely understanding. Matter of factly, most people without one, are pretty quick to judge those of us who do come out and say something about it. In my experience, most people either think you're lying, trying to get attention, or should just not feel the way you do. Like there's some magic switch you should be able to flip and *POOF*, not see yourself as fat. Believe me, if that was the case, if there was a magic switch, every last one of us would flip it. And don't get me started on trying to raise a DAUGHTER in a way that you do everything in your power, to not let her see what you struggle with everyday; hoping, praying, crossing your fingers and toes, that she doesn't grow up thinking about HER body, the way you think about yours. Although, in that department i'd be inclinded to think i'm doing a damn good job.
I've been struggling with anorexia since i was about 14/15 or so. There were days in my teens when my daily calorie intake came from saltines and cough drops mixed in with nicotine. I vividly remember almost passing out in 8th grade gym class. I stopped religiously weighing myself when i got down to 100lbs. It wasn't until i broke my jaw at 16 and my doctor told my mom that if i lost weight, any weight at all, he'd admit me back into the hospital, that my family came to see what i thought i was doing a good job at hiding. Kinda ironic that some people resort to getting their mouth wired shut to LOOSE weight, and there i was; told i couldn't loose any at all. The thing with having an e.d. is, while it changes your mindset; you still know what you're doing and that you shouldn't be doing. You know you're not necessarily fat and that you need to eat, your eyes see something completely different. While your mind often will flip flop back and forth, your eyes and what they see are forever changed. While your brain can be telling you that you look just fine, your eyes see a fat blob. And it doesn't matter what anyone says, you see what you see; and that's the only thing that matters. I aplaud Husband and his tenacity in the way he deals with me. LOL In soooo many ways, he's my rock, i wish i could just get him to understand that it doesn't matter what he thinks, it doesn't matter what he says, what matters is what I think, feel, and see. And even though i get frusterated and pissed that in 12 years, he won't let me have a scale, i'm thankful for his willingness to stand firm. I'm also glad he doesn't even try to understand. LOL
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